....soon to christmas....

3 days to christmas.....
I'm amazed that this is the first time my emotion filled with full of expressions when I remember that christmas is coming. I found it weird. Seriously.
Oh well.... beside being broke for christmas, I managed to buy a present for someone who is not in a very good relationship with me. Hope this gift will make things better. I don't want to hope too high though... I'm scared that I would get disappointed by it.

Everything was okay for me all this year. Was a bit dodgy though during August and September, quit my job and being jobless and not able to go for study.
I went to work again for the same company. It was nice to come back to the same old familiar faces. But i is sucks when someone you care a lot is making a distance from you. I was upset. Damn upset about it when I know that she or he trust somebody else but you. Sad. Well, this is not heaven where everyhting is just perfect. This is earth where you try to get things perfect but it turned out not very good. I learnt something from this case though, Your good intention for someone may turn out to be fire that burn everything including yourself. Destroy everything including your close relationship with someone you care a lot. *sigh*

Despise all the shits that happened to me in this year, I managed to find other course which is more suitable for my "pocket" and I can pay it by myself. It will start on 8th January 2007. But I wont't turn up on my first day as I'll be away in Jakarta meeting my sis. Miss you sis!!

Just realized that I write again now. I've lost my skill of writing (as you can see how messy my wiritings on this post) and I dunno why it happened. Hmm... Hope that I'll never lost my acting skill...

My First Script After Months....

30thJuly'06 around 8+pm I wrote this:


Actor sit on a chair CS facing 6o'clock. Talking to audience. Depressed, confused and irritated.
Ok!! Alright!! Just don't scream on my ear like that! You know I don't like it if people do that to me. I'm not deaf!!! I'm normal. So Talk to me like one.

silence.

So what do you want to know from me? You want to know what I want? I told you I don't even know what I want. Do you have another question? You've been asking me that for like.... months!! Yes I've been thinking about it. YES!! Yes! I've been asking my own self too! What do you want me to do?!?! Oh! Come on! Can you just stop asking me that? Alright! Yes! I know that! I know that I'm lost! I know that I've been living my life like a zombie! I know that I have to do something with my life! I know! I know every details that happened in my life! I know that my life is going no where now. I know!!!

silence.

I need you to guide me not to scold me just because I don't know what I want.
beat.
Alright! Let me explain to you once again about my situation. Just in case you already forgot about it. You know I already have steady job. I have stable income. But I've been dragging my feet to work for the past... half a year or so. I do not care about it as much as before and actually what I've been doing is just counting down to payday everyday. And for your information, this kind of life is sucks!
beat.
You think resigning is the best solution? Then what am i gonna do next? I have no degree that required if I want to find another job in other company. What am I gonna fill my stomach with if I resign?
beat.
What?!? Ask money from my parents? I am bloody 25 years old already. Where do you think you want me to my face? I am not retarded kid who can depend on my parents forever! And you think they will have their arms widely open for that idea? I don't think so!

silence.

I am fucked. I do not wish to continue this kind of life. I have to end it as soon as possible but I just don't know what to do! That is why I need you. You, as a person who understand me better than anyone else. Yes! You!
beat.
Do you think I want to be in this situation forever?!? Do you think I chose to be in this situation?!? No! I don't! I'm in a crossroad of my life and I'm trying to make a decision in my own time. So Stop screaming at me like I'm a deaf dog!!!

crying.

Stop asking me to stop crying!!! You just don't get me! Stop making me nervous living my own life!!!

silence.

I asked you to help me with my situation in the first place. But.... You've turned to become somebody that I don't even recognise. I thought you understand me. I thought you.... Oh nevermind...

stops crying.

I don't need you anymore. You're just making my situation worst. I don't want to make myself hating you.

stands.

I'm going....

walking towards USL. stops. turns to the audience.

Don't try to find me cos you won't find me. I'll come back when I figure out what I want and what I want to do with my life.
Thanks for everything.
See you again... maybe.

exit USL.



The script a bit retarded though but this is what i did the best. after months....

Pikiranku Waktu Melamun Di Johor

Tanggal 24 Juni 2006. Di Malaysia, pinggiran Johor Bahru. Kalau orang bilang tepatnya di Sanglang. Farm Dia.

Aku lagi menikmati bunyi air di kolam. Kira-2 hampir pukul 6 sore. Burung-2 pun sudah aktif beterbangan diatas kolam mencari-2 ikan mati yang mengapung di air untuk jadi santapan. Kalau ada.
Teringat aku atas komentar adikku sendiri tentang cerita-2 misteri yang pernah aku karang dulu dan aku poublikasikan hanya ke adikku satu-2nya. Tersenyum sendiri aku. Padahal sudah hampir lupa aku. Kemana yah? Ah... mungkin sudah jadi sampah di suatu tempat yang aku tidak tahu.
Sudah tidak ingat lagi aku umur berapa aku karang itu semua. Mungkin sekitar umur 13 atau 14. Mungkin. Tak berbekas lagi di otakku. Ceritanya pun sudah samar-2.

Berarti benar. Soal seni seperti main drama mengarang dan sebagainya sudah mendarah daging bagiku. Drama pertama yang kumainkan saat aku berumur kurang lebih 9 tahun. Sebelumnya aku sudah mempunyai cerita sendiri yang kumainkan bersama adikku semata wayang. Boneka-2ku. Yah bonekaku adalah ceritaku waktu itu. Dua puluh boneka lebih,bersama-2 dengan adikku, aku beri nama. Tanggal lahir pun ada. Asal muasal mereka pun tidak ketinggalan. Ada jugalah perayaan-2 ulang tahun yang aku ciptakan.
Hah... lucunya sekarang kerjaku bukan bidang seni begituan. Lelah aku. Permasalahannya pastilah uang. Kadang aku berandai-2 kalau hidup bisa tanpa uang. Orang hanya hidup untuk mengejar kepuasan batin tanpa mementingkan uang... Indahnya!!! Kadang berandai-2 begini bisa juga mencipta senyum barang cuman sekejap. Kepuasan batin pun tercipta barang cuma sedetik atau dua.
Mungkin batinku kurang bisa menyeimbangi dengan hidup yang kurang aku inginkan. Aku perlu rehat. Ba.tinku sudah sakit. Aku sudah lebih sering marah-2 sendiri. Cemberut tak keruan. Kasihan orang-2 yang berada di sekelilingku. Mereka jadi suka salah tingkah tak tahu hendak berbuat apa kalau aku sedang kumat.

Sekaragn aku sudah di dalam mobil yang sedang melaju lumayan cepat. Perjalanan kembali menuju kota Johor Bahru. Waktu sudah pukul 6.25pm. Yah beginilah... kembali lagi ke rutinitas hidup. Besok, Minggu, dirumah. Cuci baju, Membersihkan rumah dan besok lusa sudah Senin. Kembali ke kesibukan kantor. Rutinitas! Benci aku mendengar kata itu! Benci dengan arti yang tersirat dari kata itu! aku mau kebebasan. Aku mau variasi. Tidak melakukan sesuatu yang itu-2 saja tiap hari. Entah kapan aku bisa menggapai impian itu. Sekali lagi... Semua tergantung berapa banyak uang yang kau kantongi. Semakin banyak uang, semakin banyak kesempatan yang kamu bisa dapat untuk bisameraih kebebasan yang kau idamkan. Ah... Hidup itu ternyata susah...

Adakah Kesempatan Di Muka Bumi Ini?

15th June 2006 -+8pm.
Lagi nungguin Albert di deket Boat Quay. Tiba-2......
"Ni ke i ciang hwa yu ma?" tanyanya. Aku geleng-2.
"bu ke i ah?" tanyanya lagi. Geleng-2 lagi aku.
Mukanya bingung. Mungkin dia pikir ga bisa bahasa mandarin tapi ditanya kok jawab? Ah peduli setan.
"Do you use skin product?" tanyanya memakai bahasa inggris yang pas-an. Oh... orang Cina daratan dia...
"No I never used them." Jawabku agak sedikit kaku akibat masih kaget karena didatangi tiba-2.
"So what do you use to wash your face?" tanyanya kembang kempis akibat terbatasnya bahasa inggrisnya. Bukan main gigihnya orang ini. Masih berusaha mengenalkan barangnya meskipun hanya berbekal bahasa inggris yang pas-an.
"Normal soap"
Tercenung sejenak dia. Mungkin otaknya sedang bekerja menerjemahkan pertanyaan yang akan diajukan kepadaku dari bahasa mandarin ke bahasa inggris.
"If you buy skin product, you see the ingredient...blend..." tanyanya yang aku sendiri tidak mengerti.
Segera aku potong "Sorry I don't use skin product. I never buy it and I'm not interested in buying it."
"Oh thank you."
Kejamnya aku. Habisnya aku tahu kearah mana pembicaraan ini akan menuju. Daripada dia buang-2 tenaga menjelaskan degan bahasa inggris yang pas-an dan aku tidak tertarik, mending aku cut dulu saja. Dia tidak capai dan akupun senang.
Tapi kalau dipikir lagi, mungkin buntung buat dia bukan untung karena mungkin dia hanya ingin orang tahu barang sedikit tentang productnya. Mungkin dia hendak membuka kesempatan buat diri dia sendiri yang belum apa-2 sudah aku jegal.
Kalau dipikir-2 lagi apa boleh buat... Beginilah hidup. Orang saling jegal menjegal demi keuntungan pribadi. Aku yang sedang jenuh bekerja mungkin sedang meruntuhkan kesempatan perusahaanku untuk berkembang. Mungkin itu sebabnya teman kerjaku uring-2an beberapa hari ini. Dan semua orang disekitarnya kena semprot juga. Semua gara-2 aku....

Apa Kata Bumi Kalau Aku Bosan....

Aku jenuh mengerti arti jenuh? Jenuh seperti minyak goreng yang sudah dipakai menggoreng berulang-2 sampai bewarna hitam. Atau bisa juga dibayangkan seperti air di dalam bong yang dipakai tiap hari untuk menghisap ganja dan tidak pernah diganti selama 2 tahun. Bisa bayangkan?
Otakku sepet. Seperti sisa kelapa parut yang sudah diperas berulang-2 sampai tidak ada lagi sari yang keluar. Aku kepingin tiba-2 dunia ini berhenti berputar. Mempersilahkan aku beristirahat baranse sebentar saja. Tapi mungkin bumi tidak bisa berhenti berputar. Atau mungkin dia tidak mengijinkan aku beristirahat.

"Hai sang bumi! kompromi sedikit kek! Beri aku waktu untuk ngaso! capek tauk! Barang semenit aja! huuu...!! Pelit!!"
"Aku harus pelit!" katanya. "Kalau tidak pelit nanti aku sendiri yang akan musnah dimakan jaman. Lihat dirimu.. itu akibat dari tidak pelit waktu! coba kau sedikit pelit waktu...Jadi serakah sedikit. Jangan mau kalah! Egois lebih banyak lagi biar tidak diinjak-2 orang. Lihat dirimu... diinjak-2 orang akibat terlalu murah hati. Terlalu mengiyakan segala sesuatu. Terlalu mengalah kalau ada persoalan. Jangan mau disalahi! Unjuk orang lain kalau disalahkan. Cari alasan kek! Sudah diinjak-2 dan kalah selalu kau mengalahkan aku."
"Lho... katanya aku disuruh unjuk orang lain kalau disalahkan. Sekarang aku menunjuk kamu malah kamu menyalahkan aku... Bagaimana sih!???!"
"Aku bilang bukan salahkan aku sang bumi. Tapi salahkan sejenismu manusia! Biar dunia ini ramai. Biar terjadi perang dimana-2. Biar aku cepat rusak dan mati. Aku sudah capai menjadi tempat tempahan orang-2 macam kamu."

Ah,... bumi pun bosan menemani aku bercengkrama. Bosan....

Kenangan dari Sepucuk Kertas di Pagi Hari

Tadi pagi aku sedang bersiap-2 untuk pergi ngantor. Aku ambil tas coklat favoritku. aku rogoh isinya. sebuah kertas. Aku buka dan aku baca....

"Air mataku berurai saat sel-2 di otakku mulai menggambarkan rupa ragamu. Aku tak mengerti apakah ini pertanda kesenangan atau kesedihan. Dadaku terasa sakit disaat lagu tembagn cinta berkumandang di radio malam ini. Rupanya jiwaku merindukan sentuhan lembut cintamu. Kasih, kau telah menguasai seluruh duniaku, yang sadar maupun tidak sadar.
Aku, seorang gadis, yang hatinya telah ditempa manis pahit cinta, berpulang kembali kepada kenaifan alam. Kembali menaruh harapan bahwa cinta akan selalu berkelimpahan gelak tawa dan cumbu mesra. Keliru memang. Tapi aku telah dibutakan. Yah, memang itulah cinta. Buta.
Air mataku telah berhenti. Tetapi aku masih berkelanan di dunia tentangmu. Kau disana mungkin sedang bercengkrama dengan alam mimpi. Pernahkah malaikat mimpi membisikkan sesuatu tentangku kepadamu? Pernahkah sang rindu menyapamu ditengah hari yang tak menentu?
Malaikat mimpi dan sang rindu selalu mengusikku. Mereka tak henti-2nya menderaku dengan bisikan-2 tentangmu.
Pernahkah kau merenungi keadaan kita? Kau disana dan aku disini, berurai air mata karna sang rindu selalu datang mengusik.
Air mataku telah berhenti tetapi dadaku masih sakit. Aku berjanji kepada diriku sendiri tuk selalu menantikan kehadiranmu kembali disisiku, membisikkan kata-2 cinta di relung hatiku dan menghantarkan kecupan cinta di bibirku. Aku merindukanmu. Sungguh."

30thJanuary2006
1:50 am

Aku teringat. Ini kutulis saat aku berada jauh dari dia. cuma 2 minggu. Dahsyat benar pengaruh cinta terhadap diriku sampai bisa membuat aku membuat tulisan macam ini....
Aku melirik kearah dia yang masih tertidur nyenyak. Kukecup bibirnya.
"Pergi kerja dulu yah.." kataku sambil mengusap-2 rambutnya.
"hmm..." sahutnya tanpa membuka mata...

Satu Malam Minggu di Suntec

3rd June'06 +-7pm (Suntec 3rd Floor Garden)

Aku dan dia duduk berdua menikmati malam minggu sambil mendengarkan musik lewat handphoneku yg sudah mutakhir.
Dia pergi sebentar. sakit perut katanya... aku melanjutkan mendengarkan musik dari handphoneku yg canggih. Lalu ada keinginan menulis.
Aku ambil buku dan pena. lalu menulis....

"Aku terduduk di tengah hutan beton pencakar langit. Matahari telah tertidur nikmatnya di ufuk barat. Bulan sudah menggantikan tugasnya.
Lampu-2 terlihat dari beton-2 yang menjulang keatas mencoba mencakar langit hitam. Mungkin dari asal lampu itu ada manusia-2 yang mungkin sedang dikuasai nafsu duniawi. Bekerja hingga larut malam begini demi sesuap nasi atau mungkin semi kesenangan fana.
Hidup pendek dan mungkin susah. Bukankah sebaiknya duduk tenang beristirahat menikmati suasana jika malam tiba? Apalagi ini malam minggu.
Akh... bukan urusanku lah.. Aku terduduk disini pun karna ingin melupakan sejenak pikiran-2 duniawi. Cuma alam yang bisa membuat manusia kembali sadar betapa besar kuasa Tuhan di dunia ini. Luar biasa tidak ada yang bisa menandingi.
Ah.. benar-2 sepi tempat ini. Apa orang tidak mengetahui tempat ini? atau mungkin orang-2 sudah tidak minta dengan ketenangan yang ditawarkan alam? Apa mungkin mereka lebih memilih shopping dilantai bawah gara-2 great singapore sale.
Aduuhh!! Bukan urusanku! mengapa otak ini........."

Dia balik. Aku terkejut karena kehadirannya yang tiba-2. Musnah semua kata-2 yang tadi hendak kutulis.
"sudah?" tanyaku iseng
"sudah. lagi nulis apaan?" tanyanya kepingin tahu.
"bukan urusan lu lah.." Jawabku asal. Dia pun tak ada keinginan mencari tahu. Kami kembali duduk mendengarkan musik......

Fort Minor - Where'd you go

Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.

She said "Some days I feel like shit,
Some days I wanna quit, and just be normal for a bit,"
I don't understand why you have to always be gone,
I get along but the trips always feel so long,
And, I find myself tryna stay by the phone,
'Cause your voice always helps me when I feel so alone,
But I feel like an idiot, workin' my day around the call,
But when I pick up I don't have much to say,
So, I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin',
Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career,
Me and the rest of the family here singing "Where'd you go?"

I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...

You know the place where you used to live,
Used to barbeque up burgers and ribs,
Used to have a little party every Hallowe'en with candy by the pile,
But now, you only stop by every once in a while,
Shit, I find myself just fillin' my time,
Anything to keep the thought of you from my mind,
I'm doin' fine, I plan to keep it that way,
You can call me if you find you have somethin' to say,
And I'll tell you, I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin',
Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career,
Me and the rest of the family here singing "Where'd you go?"

I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...

I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', no longer debatin',
Tired of sittin' and hatin' and makin' these excuses,
For while you're not around, and feeling so useless,
It seems one thing has been true all along,
You don't really know what you got 'til it's gone,
I guess I've had it with you and your career,
When you come back I won't be here and you'll can sing it...

Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...

me... decide things...

It's been 6 months since i update this blog. No time? not really. Just don't feel like writing anything on this blog. I am still writing. On a piece of papers which I don't know where it's located now. I don't care. What I wrote was my temporary feeling which I don't want anybody who knows my read it.
Well,...a lot to tell between these 6 months yet i don't know what to tell besides my mom who nag everyday asked me to end my relationship with MINE. I just don't get it. I know how she feel. I understand how she think. What's o her mind. But can't just let me decide on anything in my life..? Can I decide on this one matter?