and...?

In my room, alone, feel bloated with my yellow lighting fiiled up the room, I'm thinking. I realise that tomorrow is my first day at work. and i get irritated by my lousy laptop with fucked up keyboard. Thinking when can i get enough money to buy a new one. but then thinking when can i get enough money to just support myself... and my dog.... hope the routine that i get later makes me more mature in everything.

a whole new world tomorrow is gonna start. a whole new world that i never imagine myself in before. the word "my office" is never ever crossed my mind before and tomorrow i will make myself get use to that word. I feel very lost now. Tired, irritated and angry towards..... i dunno....
sad to know that i have to do what i should do. not what i want to do. sad that i can't get what i want and have to let go everything that i love.

My stomach is burning now. feel like i'm gonna throw up but just can't throw up. something tickling inside melt my weak heart and squeeze my tears out. wash away all my happiness and throw it to the darkness of loneliness. i hate being lonely but everything just sealed me in the empty corner of the world. no sound, no lights, no one, no hope. i feel hopeless to myself and i start to think that maybe this is my fate to be lonely in this world. losing all the things i love and someone that i thought i will die to live without. i lost everything. empty.

playing a soft music on my CD player. This song just remind me to two persons that i never seen before. never touch before but i cared before. so sorry that i never give them a change for everything. so sorry that i have to do all those things.
I'm crying now for them. hope you forgive me.

realise that this room is so pack yet felt empty. those clothes that you used to wear, the towel that you used to use, you comb and all things that's yours stare at me asking where are you. I don't know! don't ask me! don't you ever think that i never love you. but i'll try to be happy when you find someone else. someone who will love you and never leave you. i will try to keep my tears away from spilling. but will still cry not in front of you.

now my head pounding like there's a thousand pound stone inside. heavy and pain. and makes my heart shattered. feel like crying even more but just can't afford to do it again.
maybe i need to sleep. or bury myself into a book. *sigh....