Here I am, at almost 2am, complaining about myself. I can't sleep again. And this annoying thought of mine came back on my bloody brainless head. witnessed by laptop monitor that face directly to my face and eyes. this always come and go at the wrong timing.
I am a 22 year old single girl. single?? yah single. Sigh... No! i'm not going to nag about being single. No! i'm not gonna tell you how happy I am being single. I'm in dilemma. In the middle of those feeling.
I will tell myself," i'm so glad being a single!" whenever i'm with my other single friends having a good time together. But sometimes my brain will nag,"shit! i wish i can be like that." when i going out with my couple friend. other time i will say," lucky i'm not taken!" if a guy asked me out. but then my heart is aching whenever i'm awake at night. whenever my insomnia comes back. I wish somebody's holding me, kissing me gently and stoping me from crying and say to me," don't you worry. i will always be with you."
i'm very tired and occupied now. thinking about job, my future and this annoying thought just won't leave me alone sometimes.
often, i cried alone in the middle of the night. realising that i am a very different person during the day and during the night. i'm saying here... totally different.
I'm strong yet weak. happy but miserable. life is driving me insane. in the end, only brings me tears.
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
Monday, September 27, 2004
*sigh.....
Just reached home. today is the last day of the production. started at 23rd september. i was the make-up artist for this chinese opera. FUN! i got to do a lot fun stuff and experiencing new things in make-up. i learnt a lot from this production. especially make-up, hair, and PEOPLE'S ATTITUDE!!
it's tiring but it's okay. i got paid. at least not so bad salary. but i have to face a lot of "ya ya" people. think that they are very good but....... dunno how to put themselves on the right place. always so ahow off but disturb people. always make people having a goosebump cos of their stupidity. *sigh..... how they're gonna survive.... i learnt a lot from there. i know what is wrong to do and what is right to do.
sometimes we have to be "kaypoh" about a thing on the right time and place or else people will think you're just plain lazy. even sometimes we have to sacrifice our need in order to do something. indirectly this tought me about life. it's always need something to be sacrified. here i sacrified my empty stomach to do the make-up on time. sometimes i could be very hungry, stopped doing the make up for a while to get some snack or run for smoke where there was even 3 mins break or we have to do the make up faster to get the break time. but that's our job. in order to get paid... poor thing huh..??? nevermind.
i'm tired these 4 days but i can't even sleep. AGAIN...... this is phatetic!! what am i supposed to do???!?!?!?!? can somebody help me????
it's tiring but it's okay. i got paid. at least not so bad salary. but i have to face a lot of "ya ya" people. think that they are very good but....... dunno how to put themselves on the right place. always so ahow off but disturb people. always make people having a goosebump cos of their stupidity. *sigh..... how they're gonna survive.... i learnt a lot from there. i know what is wrong to do and what is right to do.
sometimes we have to be "kaypoh" about a thing on the right time and place or else people will think you're just plain lazy. even sometimes we have to sacrifice our need in order to do something. indirectly this tought me about life. it's always need something to be sacrified. here i sacrified my empty stomach to do the make-up on time. sometimes i could be very hungry, stopped doing the make up for a while to get some snack or run for smoke where there was even 3 mins break or we have to do the make up faster to get the break time. but that's our job. in order to get paid... poor thing huh..??? nevermind.
i'm tired these 4 days but i can't even sleep. AGAIN...... this is phatetic!! what am i supposed to do???!?!?!?!? can somebody help me????
Monday, September 20, 2004
ouch...
i cooked today. basicaly nothing special for me cooking everyday. i cook everyday cos it's cheaper. I cooked soup today with luncheon meat, chicken sausage* though i know abt the bird flu thing. but who cares...* and chinese vegetable* i dunno what it calls but i like it so much. salty taste*
as i prepared all things, i open the luncheon meat can, i cut myself. the cut quite bad and it's quite painful. i cut my palm and my finger tip. but somehow i enjoy the pain. i'd rather have the pain on my hand than in my heart. Once the cut heals *on ur palm* that's it. It won't suddenly torn apart again. But in ur heart, it leaves a mark there and it's very fragile cos it will, someday, torn apart and bleed again.
i dun have the desire to live nowadays. so many things appears to block my way now. right now i'm stuck. in the middle of no where and no money. who can help? i have to help myself. no other ppl but me. and i hate it. we all know, the theory said human being need other ppl in their life. but somehow, we do things on our own. whether we can continue living this life is depend On urself.
i realise now, maybe i'm too depending on other ppl, my parents, friends, collegue and now i'm trying to stand up by my own feet to continue walking in this unknown world. *sigh... what a difficult task i'm doing now.
as i prepared all things, i open the luncheon meat can, i cut myself. the cut quite bad and it's quite painful. i cut my palm and my finger tip. but somehow i enjoy the pain. i'd rather have the pain on my hand than in my heart. Once the cut heals *on ur palm* that's it. It won't suddenly torn apart again. But in ur heart, it leaves a mark there and it's very fragile cos it will, someday, torn apart and bleed again.
i dun have the desire to live nowadays. so many things appears to block my way now. right now i'm stuck. in the middle of no where and no money. who can help? i have to help myself. no other ppl but me. and i hate it. we all know, the theory said human being need other ppl in their life. but somehow, we do things on our own. whether we can continue living this life is depend On urself.
i realise now, maybe i'm too depending on other ppl, my parents, friends, collegue and now i'm trying to stand up by my own feet to continue walking in this unknown world. *sigh... what a difficult task i'm doing now.
am I? am I not?
i dreamt became a crazy girl. and the next day my friend said i was a bit crazy that day. i can feel i moving towards insanity.
sometimes i wonder..... it's good to be crazy. u just stay in the mental hospital, all the nurse, the doctor and everybody there, except the patient, take care of you. they feed you, they fullfil all your needs, from eating to shitting.
sometimes i can spend all day daydreaming to become crazy. no need to work, no stress and no other things that bother you. being insane you just sit, nothing to do, more daydreaming, and LAUGH!!! hauehauehauheuahuhauehaueeahuhuhueae*@&$($^@!!!!!......---> like that
actually, being insane has no sin. what is a sin to them. they don't understand that. they don't know what is sin and becos of that, they can do any sin. the more ppl knows what they can't do something,the more they will do it.
Again, i want to be insane. and i think my life's driving me there. and i love it. some things i can't bear. the more things you can't bear, the faster you can be crazy. life is tough and being crazy, makes life easier. think again.... it makes sense, doesn't it?
sometimes i wonder..... it's good to be crazy. u just stay in the mental hospital, all the nurse, the doctor and everybody there, except the patient, take care of you. they feed you, they fullfil all your needs, from eating to shitting.
sometimes i can spend all day daydreaming to become crazy. no need to work, no stress and no other things that bother you. being insane you just sit, nothing to do, more daydreaming, and LAUGH!!! hauehauehauheuahuhauehaueeahuhuhueae*@&$($^@!!!!!......---> like that
actually, being insane has no sin. what is a sin to them. they don't understand that. they don't know what is sin and becos of that, they can do any sin. the more ppl knows what they can't do something,the more they will do it.
Again, i want to be insane. and i think my life's driving me there. and i love it. some things i can't bear. the more things you can't bear, the faster you can be crazy. life is tough and being crazy, makes life easier. think again.... it makes sense, doesn't it?
Sunday, September 19, 2004
vision? insanity?
i have the vision
vision of life through insanity.
so pure, natural and scary.
insanity of life
drive people insane
without they know it.
and the people become the maid of insanity.
the vision of myself being insane.
the vision of people denying their insanity
that is part of their life.
then i saw u denied me for being insane
and i thought u're different from anybody else.
insane.
but you're not.
vision of life through insanity.
so pure, natural and scary.
insanity of life
drive people insane
without they know it.
and the people become the maid of insanity.
the vision of myself being insane.
the vision of people denying their insanity
that is part of their life.
then i saw u denied me for being insane
and i thought u're different from anybody else.
insane.
but you're not.
Friday, September 17, 2004
through sleepless night...
i just bought....
2. Aromatherapy
Lavender ( Lavendula hybrida)
pure essentil oil
5 ml
origanically grown Lavender
Aroma: Balsamic. light and herbaceous.
Basic Benefits: Balancing for both body and mind. Calming, soothing and relaxing.
Directions for use: Essential oils can be used in conjuction with massage, bathing and vaporisation. As a general guide use 5-6 drops to every 10 ml base oil.
Warning: Flammable. If pregnant, or suffering from epilepsy, or any other medical condition, consult your doctor prior to using essential oils.
KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN.
- Tuscan oil burner
2. Aromatherapy
Lavender ( Lavendula hybrida)
pure essentil oil
5 ml
origanically grown Lavender
Aroma: Balsamic. light and herbaceous.
Basic Benefits: Balancing for both body and mind. Calming, soothing and relaxing.
Directions for use: Essential oils can be used in conjuction with massage, bathing and vaporisation. As a general guide use 5-6 drops to every 10 ml base oil.
Warning: Flammable. If pregnant, or suffering from epilepsy, or any other medical condition, consult your doctor prior to using essential oils.
KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN.
Wednesday, September 15, 2004
a girl that won't close her eyes. and watching the night turns darker
I did a research about insomnia.... the cause, the cure blah blah blah....
INSOMNIA
VARIOUS CAUSES OF INSOMNIA ARE GIVEN BELOW
- Aging
- 1. As we age we produce less melatonin; 50% by 40 years.
2. Melatonin is a hormone produced by the pineal glands, which is chief sleep regulator of the body.
3. The pineal glands puts us in rhythm with the day, night, and the seasons.
- Overactive modern lifestyle.
- 1. People always seem to be on the move; at any given time 1/3 of the population is in
transit, be they numerous business trips, crossing time zones or hanging around airport
and railway stations, the circadian rhythms of the body are interrupted.
2. Modern work systems seem to advocate working long hours, stretching long into the
night.
3. Stress of family life, especially coping with children and the elderly.
4. Pursuing unrealistic goals.
THE CURE:
1. Try to go to bed at the same time every night. This helps condition your body to sleep during the sleep phase of your biological clock. Once this happens, your emotional disposition will greatly improve.
2. Cut back on coffee, tea and soft drinks that contain caffeine. Most colored soft drinks contain enough caffeine to keep you awake. Clear soft drinks such as 7-Up and Sprite contain no caffeine.
3. Avoid eating large, heavy meals before going to bed.
4. Deep physical relaxation can greatly enhance your ability to fall asleep when you want and to stay asleep once you are there.
or should i watched:
or....should i go to:
2. Cut back on coffee, tea and soft drinks that contain caffeine. Most colored soft drinks contain enough caffeine to keep you awake. Clear soft drinks such as 7-Up and Sprite contain no caffeine.
3. Avoid eating large, heavy meals before going to bed.
4. Deep physical relaxation can greatly enhance your ability to fall asleep when you want and to stay asleep once you are there.
or should i watched:
INSOMNIA
or....should i go to:
INSOMNIA
well... what do you guys suggest?
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
song that.....
I like this song and it always makes me cry...........
SAYING IT'S OVER
BY BOBBY CALDWELL
I walk along
The streets we used to walk
On a moonlit night together
How could such bliss
End up like this
I eat alone
At a table meant for two
And I miss the conversation
Now that you've gone away
There's no sleep for hearts that break
If like me you lay awake
That's the risk that people take
Saying it's over
When I get home
Well I pour myself a drink
From an almost empty bottle
Downing it fast
Drowning the past
I hear the phone
And I almost hesitate
'Cause it might be you that's callin'
Saying you're still awake
Do you miss the times we've spent
Wishing you could change events
Then I guess it made no sense
Saying it's over
We've got to be crazy to ever let
Love slip through our hands
Are we living to regret
Saying it's over
Do you miss the times we've spent
Wishing you could change events
Then I guess it makes no sense
Saying it's over
The streets we used to walk
On a moonlit night together
How could such bliss
End up like this
I eat alone
At a table meant for two
And I miss the conversation
Now that you've gone away
There's no sleep for hearts that break
If like me you lay awake
That's the risk that people take
Saying it's over
When I get home
Well I pour myself a drink
From an almost empty bottle
Downing it fast
Drowning the past
I hear the phone
And I almost hesitate
'Cause it might be you that's callin'
Saying you're still awake
Do you miss the times we've spent
Wishing you could change events
Then I guess it made no sense
Saying it's over
We've got to be crazy to ever let
Love slip through our hands
Are we living to regret
Saying it's over
Do you miss the times we've spent
Wishing you could change events
Then I guess it makes no sense
Saying it's over
walaaaawww
this evening i went dinner with my friend. we were craving abt chilli crab. so we ordered chilli crab, sambal sotong and sambal kangkung. all chilli. hahaha.... we enjoyed the food so much until i realised something weird abt my front teeth. oh my GOD!!!
it began on one morning. my front teeth got a white little spot. all ppl said cos i lack of calcium. whatever. that morning i felt like a sandy thingy on my front tongue. i touched my front teeth with my tongue. it was chipped. iwas thinking. oh no! i have to go to the dentist. i went when i was in jakarta one month ago (just becos it's cheaper. and it was my holiday...). what the dentist do is took out my white part and filled my teeth with something like a white cement (Dunno what it calls.). i was very happy. i thought no need toworry abt it anymore.
so when i had dinner with my friend, i bite the crab. the next thing i know, it felt funny on my mouth. i touched my front teeth with my tongue, the so called white cement gone!!! my teeth chipped! GOSH i'm so shocked and shy! Infront of my friend! he laughed and he said "it's ok. not really obvious." i finished my food then i ran down the toilet. yah. it's not really obvious. stoopid.
i will never forget this incident. i have to use my back teeth to bite the crab! f**king crab!
it began on one morning. my front teeth got a white little spot. all ppl said cos i lack of calcium. whatever. that morning i felt like a sandy thingy on my front tongue. i touched my front teeth with my tongue. it was chipped. iwas thinking. oh no! i have to go to the dentist. i went when i was in jakarta one month ago (just becos it's cheaper. and it was my holiday...). what the dentist do is took out my white part and filled my teeth with something like a white cement (Dunno what it calls.). i was very happy. i thought no need toworry abt it anymore.
so when i had dinner with my friend, i bite the crab. the next thing i know, it felt funny on my mouth. i touched my front teeth with my tongue, the so called white cement gone!!! my teeth chipped! GOSH i'm so shocked and shy! Infront of my friend! he laughed and he said "it's ok. not really obvious." i finished my food then i ran down the toilet. yah. it's not really obvious. stoopid.
i will never forget this incident. i have to use my back teeth to bite the crab! f**king crab!
Monday, September 13, 2004
hhhhaaaaaa...................
HHHHUUUURRRAAAYYYYY!!!!!!!!!! I slept last night!!!!
slept ard 3 am last night and woke up at 1 pm hahahaha..... slept 10 hours. i think this was a revenge. i woke up cos of my phone ringing and he's outside my door. he said he waited outside for quite some time already. ahahahahah.....
just done my laundry. ironed most of my clothes (inever iron those clothes which i use at home. why waste energy?) i must do something later. I must make myself tired so that i can sleep again tonight. hmmm... what should i do? hmmmmm..... aahhhhh bring my dog for a walk. that wouldbe nice. i'm happy, she's happy as well.
aahhh but she's sleeping now at the balcony. seems like she's in a deep sleep. the sickening cute face makes me melt. i dun have the heart to wake her up. oohhh so cute yet sickening. can u imaginewhen she did something wrong, i scolded her and she automatically give me that "did i do something wrong? please forgive me" look!!! sickening, irritating. CUTE!
i'm so glad that i have her with me. she filled up my life with her nonsense. nonsense here i mean she can suddenly run around the house and jump around here and there. restless... but when she wants to sleep, she always find my feet or jump on to my lap, lie down and sleep. thanks phoebe (that's my dog's name. dun ask me why it's phoebe) for brighten my day!
oh! today is my dad's b'day. i called him this afternoon to say happy b'day. he was with my mom and other friends mountclimbing!!!! he never bring me mountclimbing but now when i'm apart with me he go there with his friends. nevermind. anyway, happy birthday, Dad!!!
slept ard 3 am last night and woke up at 1 pm hahahaha..... slept 10 hours. i think this was a revenge. i woke up cos of my phone ringing and he's outside my door. he said he waited outside for quite some time already. ahahahahah.....
just done my laundry. ironed most of my clothes (inever iron those clothes which i use at home. why waste energy?) i must do something later. I must make myself tired so that i can sleep again tonight. hmmm... what should i do? hmmmmm..... aahhhhh bring my dog for a walk. that wouldbe nice. i'm happy, she's happy as well.
aahhh but she's sleeping now at the balcony. seems like she's in a deep sleep. the sickening cute face makes me melt. i dun have the heart to wake her up. oohhh so cute yet sickening. can u imaginewhen she did something wrong, i scolded her and she automatically give me that "did i do something wrong? please forgive me" look!!! sickening, irritating. CUTE!
i'm so glad that i have her with me. she filled up my life with her nonsense. nonsense here i mean she can suddenly run around the house and jump around here and there. restless... but when she wants to sleep, she always find my feet or jump on to my lap, lie down and sleep. thanks phoebe (that's my dog's name. dun ask me why it's phoebe) for brighten my day!
oh! today is my dad's b'day. i called him this afternoon to say happy b'day. he was with my mom and other friends mountclimbing!!!! he never bring me mountclimbing but now when i'm apart with me he go there with his friends. nevermind. anyway, happy birthday, Dad!!!
Sunday, September 12, 2004
well...
Just scolded my doggie. she's super active today just like me. hahaaha.... still haven't sleep. GOSH....
it's officially evening. i'll just go to my friend's bbq again to make myself tired. and after this i'm gonna start a new book. and i don't hope i'll fall asleep. too late for sleeping now. i want to have a good deep sleep tonight. if not, oh well, i'll just go to doctor the next day and ask for some sleeping pills. anybody have a better idea? i really need valium now.
no coffee for me today. and guess what? coffee was never absent in my day before. at least a sip of it would make me feel better.
now i just feel stone. no mood to listen to music, no mood to do anything maybe in the mood to just read and type. blah...blah...blah... in fact i have nothing much to do. my room is clean as well as my house and the sun is still bloody hot and bright. oh well, with or without sun i still couldn't sleep. but i will definitely fall asleep with valium. hahahahha.......
i smsed my friend and told him that i couldn't sleep. he said i need to find a family. (read: i need to get married and have some kid) HELL!!! i will BUT in ten years time!!! i don't want to get married and settle down, at least not this year. whatever. i don't want think abt that cos my brain is occupied by thinking how to make myself sleeping tonight.
it's officially evening. i'll just go to my friend's bbq again to make myself tired. and after this i'm gonna start a new book. and i don't hope i'll fall asleep. too late for sleeping now. i want to have a good deep sleep tonight. if not, oh well, i'll just go to doctor the next day and ask for some sleeping pills. anybody have a better idea? i really need valium now.
no coffee for me today. and guess what? coffee was never absent in my day before. at least a sip of it would make me feel better.
now i just feel stone. no mood to listen to music, no mood to do anything maybe in the mood to just read and type. blah...blah...blah... in fact i have nothing much to do. my room is clean as well as my house and the sun is still bloody hot and bright. oh well, with or without sun i still couldn't sleep. but i will definitely fall asleep with valium. hahahahha.......
i smsed my friend and told him that i couldn't sleep. he said i need to find a family. (read: i need to get married and have some kid) HELL!!! i will BUT in ten years time!!! i don't want to get married and settle down, at least not this year. whatever. i don't want think abt that cos my brain is occupied by thinking how to make myself sleeping tonight.
BLEAH......!!!!!!!
anybody knows how to cure insomnia? i still can't sleep and I almost finish a book that I just started 3 hours ago!!! i don't even feel sleepy AT ALL!!! what's happened to me?
this reminds me when i was still hmmm...... 14 years old. same... insomnia. as i was still in school, i took several pills of flu medicine. as a result, i fell in a deep sleep till i almost couldn't wake up for school. even when i can drag my body out from my beloved bed, my mind would just shut. it didn't work. and then i got addicted to it. i had to cut it down till i don't have to use it anymore.
but why now it comes again???? anybody got a valium??? i thought i'm tired enough to sleep last night.
hmmm.... what should i do know? sms everybody a good morning??? naahhhh..... why waste money early in the morning. i just had breakfast. incredible!!! cos i seldom feel hungry. only GOD knows when i'm hungry. i'm starting to talk nonsense here...... HELL!!! i can do anything here! this is my blog for goodness sake!!!
i'm too lazy to go out and bring my dog. it's bloody hot here. the sun shines like nobody business. "HEY! MISTER SUN! IT'S HOT HERE! COULD YOU PLEASE LOWER DOWN YOUR ENERGY???" oh well.... maybe he's deaf. nobody knows whether he's deaf or not. but i think he is. and nobody knows whether the sun is a HE or a SHE.... whatever! I NEED TO SLEEP!!!!
this reminds me when i was still hmmm...... 14 years old. same... insomnia. as i was still in school, i took several pills of flu medicine. as a result, i fell in a deep sleep till i almost couldn't wake up for school. even when i can drag my body out from my beloved bed, my mind would just shut. it didn't work. and then i got addicted to it. i had to cut it down till i don't have to use it anymore.
but why now it comes again???? anybody got a valium??? i thought i'm tired enough to sleep last night.
hmmm.... what should i do know? sms everybody a good morning??? naahhhh..... why waste money early in the morning. i just had breakfast. incredible!!! cos i seldom feel hungry. only GOD knows when i'm hungry. i'm starting to talk nonsense here...... HELL!!! i can do anything here! this is my blog for goodness sake!!!
i'm too lazy to go out and bring my dog. it's bloody hot here. the sun shines like nobody business. "HEY! MISTER SUN! IT'S HOT HERE! COULD YOU PLEASE LOWER DOWN YOUR ENERGY???" oh well.... maybe he's deaf. nobody knows whether he's deaf or not. but i think he is. and nobody knows whether the sun is a HE or a SHE.... whatever! I NEED TO SLEEP!!!!
new here....
Found this website and i just felt like i have to have one. So, i signed in. heheheh....
i went to my friend's b'day party at costa sands resort east coast. but i was lost. i went to the pasir ris one. i found the empty unit. of course la!! all my friends were at east coast. stoopid right....
anyway, i had fun though. the food nice!!! as usual i'm the one who cooked, well, everybody cooked lah but i'm the busybody. i like to cook.
i went back home at 2 am. was very tired! but i found my baby dog was inside her cage!!! terrible!!!! she was very excited to see me at the door. jumped around here and there, the next thing i know my cousin put her there just becos my other friend came down. can't he just put her at the balcony...(that's where she pee and poo) so that at least she can pee and poo at the right place.... i was quite irritated by that. now she's in my room (usually she can't go in my room) sleeping happily on my carpet. she likes carpets. maybe she feels very comfortable sleeping on the carpet.
it's almost 6 AM already and i'm not sleepy!!! hell!!! what's wrong with me?!?!?! argh, maybe i'll just read some boring book and make myself sleepy. hope it will work...........
i went to my friend's b'day party at costa sands resort east coast. but i was lost. i went to the pasir ris one. i found the empty unit. of course la!! all my friends were at east coast. stoopid right....
anyway, i had fun though. the food nice!!! as usual i'm the one who cooked, well, everybody cooked lah but i'm the busybody. i like to cook.
i went back home at 2 am. was very tired! but i found my baby dog was inside her cage!!! terrible!!!! she was very excited to see me at the door. jumped around here and there, the next thing i know my cousin put her there just becos my other friend came down. can't he just put her at the balcony...(that's where she pee and poo) so that at least she can pee and poo at the right place.... i was quite irritated by that. now she's in my room (usually she can't go in my room) sleeping happily on my carpet. she likes carpets. maybe she feels very comfortable sleeping on the carpet.
it's almost 6 AM already and i'm not sleepy!!! hell!!! what's wrong with me?!?!?! argh, maybe i'll just read some boring book and make myself sleepy. hope it will work...........
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