When I was in Jakarta

MY BELOVED PARENTS


Vina and Me (Best Friends FOREVER!)


My Cutie Lil' Cousin and Me

The boy and the girl

Boy: "Why do you look so sad?"

Girl: "Nothing."

Boy: "Is there anything to do about me?"

Girl: "Yes."

Boy: "Then tell me..."

Girl: "Do you think that I'm still exist in your life?"

Boy: "..."

Girl: " Just tell me if I'm no longer exist in your life. I will accept it eventhough it's hard for me. I will be very sad but I will never disturb you again. I will never miss you again eventhough it's impossible for me. But I will try not to even think about you again. Please tell me. Cos I want to be free from this uncertain feeling about you."

Boy: "..."

Girl: "You don't play a fair game. I do play the fair game but not you. I was expecting it from you but it never happened. I'm tired of this game and eventualy I'm tired of you..."

friends forever

just got together with my friends again last night. went to a pub, played pool, and when it came to the end of the night, we hug each other. three of us. Karina, Me and Edwin. Karina will go back Jakarta tomorrow for 6 months, Edwin will go back Jakarta in three months time for good, and I will stay here. When i hug them, i almost cried. I treated them like part of my soul. They are the best people in the world that i ever met. They're always on my side during happy and sad. And when they're gone, I'll have no one to turn to.
I hugged them last night and think that we will never be like this anymore. Enjoying the night together, laughter filled the room, nonsense conversation that i will miss forever.
I know that this friendship will last forever but i will miss them a lot cos i'm so used to be around them.
Goodbye my friends, hope that we will still meet each other. You guys will always be on my mind forever and i will never forget the times we've spent together. I will be very sad of course, but i still have to let you go for your own good. Continue your life guys, and please come back here. I will miss you guys a lot.

I can't make you love me

"do you actually love him?" she asked
"yes eventually..." I sighed
"then?"
"then... i think i should lern how to let him go..."
"why?"
"why? because... i can't make him to love me" I cried
"have you ever really tried it before?"
"yes." I said while playing a song.........

Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize
Don't patronize me

'Cause I can't make you love me If you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark in these final hours
I will lay down my heart, and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
And I can't make you love me
If you don't

I'll close my eyes and then I won't see
The love you do not feel, when you're holding me
Morning will come, and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then, to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

I cried.............

And I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
And here in the dark in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no, you won't
And I can't make you love me
If you don't

Ain't no use in you trying
It's no good for me baby without love
All my tears, all these years, everything I believed in
Baby
Oh yeah
Someone's gonna love me

"do you love him that much?" she asked again
"eventually...." i said. Still crying
"and eventually you feel what love is"
"and eventually it's not really pleasant enough to feel."
"well..."
"well... i'm trying to let him go. cos i can't make him to love me."
I walked away from her with a broken heart and tears kept flowing on my cheek.
"and i hope someone else will love me. i really hope that he loves me....." I shouted.

Tattva - Kula Shaker

Tattva,
acintya bheda bheda tattva (4 times)
Like the flower and the scent of summer,
like the sun and the shine
Well the truth may come in strange disguises
Send the message to your mind

Tattva,

acintya bheda bheda tattva (4 times)
At the moment that you wake from sleeping

and you know its all a dream

Still at the office. I know i should go back home by this time but i just don't have the feeling of going back....

I like the song that i play on my comp now. Destress kind of feeling.....

hmmmm maybe i should buy books. yup! and i think i have to go now....

*sneeze*......... *cough*

*sneeze*
*sneeze*
Bleah.... nose blocked and my throat is damn painful now. hope nothing happened to me. if something happens........ what should i do? i'm a ghost these several days. i dun have enough sleep, become alcoholic, and now blur....

went for interview last night at a pub.*you guys must be thinking what i expect you guys will think of* for Promotor position *actually this name is only to make this job sounds not too bad* basically i need to talk to customer and ask them to open a bottle of spirit or whiskey and those kind of liquor. if they want me to drink with them, i need to drink with them. that's my job scope. *told you promotor sounds too good*

Relax guys! this job is only my part time job! i will start on thursday adn i can work everyday if i want. but i won't. i still love my kidney and heart and liver. i don't want to lose them now.

*cough*
*cough*
*hold neck*
bleah my lung feels very dry. and my eyes feel very heavy for me to keep them open. my face look very tired and i'm having coffee hoping that my eyes will be a little bit lighter. just my hope. whoah! i think i need to take a nap.

New Year wishes

First of all and it must be the first one to say today is: Happy New Year to everyone who read my blog.

I was sitting at the office, did my work, sent email to my customer and keep typing the same thing in the end of the mail : "Happy New Year".
Suddenly crossed my mind the thought of new year wishes. Never thought of it before. maybe i was too busy thinking how to get part time job that i like and how to make my financial life more stable. Hmmm.... it could be my first and the most important wish for next year. To be healtier? stop smoking? hmm.... i've been saying this to myself everyday. but nothing has been done. to..... be faithful? ha ha ha ha..... nonsense wish. i can't think of something for my wishes.

still sitting here in my office. ahhh!!!! next wish!!! never ever write again with the first sentence of:"still sitting here in blah blah blah... " or " here i am in blah blah blah..." don't you guys realise that i always begin almost every blog by these sentence. i knew abt it long ago but that's the fact. i can't write like: "here i am walking on the beach blah blah blah...." cos when i'm walking on the beach i can't type anything on my laptop and i can't type when i can't feel it. so anything that you read on my blog is whatever feeling that i feel.

I know that most of you who read my blog would think that "this girl had got no life" or maybe " this girl doesn't know how to mae life happier" i can't write when i feel happy. i can jump, i can scream, i can laugh but not writting. For my writting is something that i have to feel more. And when i'm sad i can't talk, and i can't do anything except for crying and writting. So everyone who read this blog, thank you for your time to listen to my heart. thank you is you understand how i feel. thank you for giving me support on my shoutbox. thanks for everything.

today is the end of this year and i wanna leave behind my immature habit, my sleeping disorder, i wanna live happier *if i can but must!* i want to be more mature*and i still dunno what is the meaning of immature and mature* hope i can make people around me happy*and i still dunno what is the definition of happy* I want to travel around the world*evethough i know that is a bit impossible for next year*

That's all folks! this will be my last post for this year. Again, Happe New Year everyone! see you guys again next year! and i really mean next year!

Dance With my Father - Luther Vandross

I MISS MY PAPAH!!!!

Back when I was a child,
before life removed all the innocence
My father would lift me high
and dance with my mother and me and then
Spin me around til I fell asleep
Then up the stairs he would carry me
And I knew for sure I was loved

If I could get another chance, another walk, another dance with him
I'd play a song that would never, ever end
How I'd love, love, love
To dance with my father again

When I and my mother would disagree
To get my way, I would run from her to him
He'd make me laugh just to comfort me
Then finally make me do just what my mama said
Later that night when I was asleep
He left a dollar under my sheet
Never dreamed that he would be gone from me

If I could steal one final glance, one final step, one final dance with him
I?d play a song that would never, ever end
Cause I'd love, love, love
To dance with my father again

Sometimes I'd listen outside her door
And I'd hear how my mother cried for him
I pray for her even more than me
I pray for her even more than me

I know I'm praying for much too much
But could you send back the only man she loved
I know you don't do it usually
But dear Lord she's dying
To dance with my father again
Every night I fall asleep and this is all I ever dream

Merry christmas!

woke up at 3 pm today *hehehehe* had a gggooooooooooddddd sleep last night! dreamless sleep *which i prefer everynight* i am still sleepy though! planning to pamper myself today. forget everything that had been bother me this whole year. put my feet in warm water inside my aircon room..... ice chocolate on my left hand and my new book on my right hand *actually not my book. i borrowed it from my friend* aaahhhhhh sounds nice and it makes me even more sleepy now.... hahahhahaa

I'm gonna start another book by Paulo Coelho. this guy from somewhere in brasil *this is how it spells according to the girl in the book* i think. cos the new book is really in detail in brasil. correct me if i'm wrong buddy. cos i dunno much abt this guy except for his writting that is light yet interesting *since english is only my second language*

So Happy Christmas everyone! I played pool last night. quite good for a girl named Nina. hehehe... my double corner shot was good and my placing for the ball was excellent. and i dunno which Lucky God was on my side last night... hope he knows and will be on my side everytime i play pool. especially when i play pool with my other friend whom i never win over everytime we play! see you in the future buddy! i will not give you even a chance! i will not give you face to the ppl just next our table! I will! hate it whenever i have to play pool with you! but you're my best buddy.... so what i supposed to do? *since singapore doesn't have any other interesting things to do besides get drunk and movie*

Again Happy Christmas everyone! i hope u guys had a wonderful christmas eve last night! those in singapore.... maybe you guys were stuck in orchard.... heheh and others in diff country..... i dunno....
For my boss Peter Tan and My Dearest Collegue Diana Chung! Thanks for your companion in the office, stupid funny jokes that you guys always made everyday, for the lunch time and everything. hope you guys keep supporting me in the future!

christmas and love

I plan this christmas to be the most beautiful christmas in my life. i know we will never go anywhere. just stay at home spend the time together. maybe i'll cook or maybe we can watch movie on tv or we can just hug the whole day.
it will be a very wonderful christmas it will ever be.

this is will be a very first christmas i can spend with someone i care. someone that fills my heart. someone i love. and this is the very first christmas that i can feel what is love. very first christmas i fall in love.

love is wonderful. very wonderful indeed. to have someone that fills my brain everytime. i can really cry for someone. cry for loving someone. wonderful cos i can let go my imagine. put my finger in a very high blue sky. feel the warm from the sun through my skin. feel the cold of the wind blowing my hair.

this christmas will be a very wonderful christmas in my life. feels like the whole world is celebrating the day for me. me, someone who can feel love for the very first time and understand why ppl say love is wonderful. love is very wonderful indeed.

this christmas will be a very wonderful day in my life and love is the sweetest thing that i ever feel. but it's all just on my mind...............................

i thought...

It' been far away than i thought.
My heart for you is indefinite.
I thought i could control
but i just can't.
I love you
more than i thiought i could.
So i will let it be
even you've hurted me many times
I'll just keep quiet
keep my feelings insidde
and continue to love you.
I will not think again
and will just let my heart
control everything.

Lately - Stevie Wonder

This song is just perfect to express my feeling........................

Lately, I have had the strangest feeling
With no vivid reason here to find
Yet the thought of losing you's been hanging
'round my mind

Far more frequently you're wearing perfume
With you say no special place to go
But when I ask will you be coming back soon
You don't know, never know

Well, I'm a man of many wishes
Hope my premonition misses
But what I really feel my eyes won't let me hide
‘Cause they always start to cry
‘Cause this time could mean goodbye

Lately I've been staring in the mirror
Very slowly picking me apart
Trying to tell myself I have no reason
with your heart

Just the other night while you were sleeping
I vaguely heard you whisper someone's name
But when I ask you of the thoughts your keeping
You just say nothing's changed

Well, I'm a man of many wishes
I hope my premonition misses
But what I really feel my eyes won't let me hide
‘Cause they always start to cry
‘Cause this time could mean goodbye, goodbye

Oh, I'm a man of many wishes
I hope my premonition misses
But what I really feel my eyes won't let me hide
‘Cause they always start to cry
‘Cause this time could mean goodbye

Anything for you

I'm mad. Sitting alone at night, crying hell a lot of tears. this is just not me. I'm supposed to be a very tough girl like what everybody said. "nina is a very tough girl." "nina is a playgirl." "nina ah? nina is a heartless girl."
Am i like that? then, why am i crying now? why am i feeling very sad now? listening all the broken heart song and cry? this is me at home, away from any eyes that could see me apart from my dog. a mute witness.

I'm crying i think because of what people say "in love". and i fell in love with someone that i can't be with. can i fall in love?
why people said love is a wonderful thing? if it's a wonderful thing, then why am i in tears now? is it wrong for me to fall in love? is love just not for me? why am i feeling damn blue?

"I'd still do anything for you
I'll play your game.
you hurt me through and through
but you can have your way..."

you hurt me through and through but here i am still in love with you and i am here still with tears on my cheek crying out loud for loving you. and here i am waiting for your love.

"I can pretend each time i see you
that i don't care and i don't need you
though inside i feel like dying
but you can never see me crying..."

maybe you don't know that i love you so much. but yes i love you like there's no tomorrow. I'll keep it in my heart cos i'm too proud to show it to you. And i know i'm crying for loving you. why do i have to love you?

"I hope you find someone to please you
someone who care and never leave you
but if that someone ever hurt you
you just might need a friend to turn to..."

And i know you're maybe in love with someone else but my heart just can't let me love somebody else. so i'll just stay. here. waiting for you in tears. and again why do i have to love you.... this much?

"i'd do anything for you
I'll give you up
if that's what i should do
to make you happy..."

I have to be strong and give you up. though i have to cry. and here i am AGAIN. crying. trying to just let you go. i'm trying to convince myself that everything will be all right eventhough i have to go through the tearfull night everyday.
I will let you go. eventhough my heart still want to stay here wait for your love.

difference....

I was in the middle of the crowd last night. All the strangers with the smile on their face. I don't know what happen behind that smiles. maybe they're happy or just to cover their sorrow. I was in the middle of the crowd, sitting while they were dancing. sitting and drinking and smoking. Yes i smoke again. and i don't know how should i feel about going back to become a smoker. that fucking nicotine just won't let me go. it's an expensive hobby here in Singapore. Very expensive indeed.

I have to go back to that crowd. i was in the middle of the crowd. surrounded by the wall and named the place China Black. I was there last night. i realise it was a long time ago since the last time i was there. me and my girl friends. sitting around, drinking, dancing and checking out all the guys. couldn't imagine that it's almost 2 years. i was still remember the first day i came to Singapore. did time pass so fast? or i just don't realise that time is actually running. i don't know.

The crowd. it was damn full of people yet i felt lonely. i can feel the fake happiness filled the air pictured through the fake smiles. i was bored. bored with fakeness fillied in the air. all my life is full of fakeness as well. how phatetic human being can make a living in the fakeness. as well as myself. does anybody realise it? or they're too not sensitive about this matter. i don't know as well. the most immportant thing is at least i can feel it and i'm trying to get out from this matter.

i'm reading a book right now. titled "Veronika decides to die" by Paulo Coelho. it's a very good book and makes me thing that if i want to get out from this fakeness matter which people find it common, i will be different from them and if i'm different from them, they will think that i'm insane. insane, mad or what it is supposed to be called is just an excuse for people to make the whole world become more predicted as human being is so lazy to accept different things in their life.

the music

Sitting here in my office, stacks of mails on my left, and my cd player on my right and my ears are absorbing the words from the music that i'm listening to.
just can't imagine i end up inside this building called office not in a huge old one called theatre. maybe this is how my life should go. maybe no matter what i studied, i will end up like this.

"love me, love me, say that you love me..... need me, need me, just say that you need me..."
yah just say that you love me and need me. you messaged me, said that you'll come tonight. i was happy for a while, but i press that feeling. thinking about something else to occupy my brain. i don't want to be too happy. i want to forget that you said you want to come tonight. i forget it. and now i forgot about it.

Still trying to make myself busy by typing this blog. yeah look so busy with my hand crawling on the keyboard, hitting all the things trying to make a word out of it. my brain is squeezed trying to find a right word to put for this sentence. tired. tired of waiting. tired of making myself as if i'm okay. as if there's nothing wrong with my life and as if all the people likes me with no exceptional.

Yes, all looks wonderful. i wake up in the morning, go to work, at night i can do whatever i like and whatever i want.
Someone called last night, asking me to join his company as a model. photo model. and i asked myself, i don't think i can do it. i just can't express myself in front of camera if there is somebody else looking at me behind or not behind the camera. and all the photo that i have i took myself. whatever....i would rather be the make-up artist and make people looks good no matter how ugly they are inside.

and...?

In my room, alone, feel bloated with my yellow lighting fiiled up the room, I'm thinking. I realise that tomorrow is my first day at work. and i get irritated by my lousy laptop with fucked up keyboard. Thinking when can i get enough money to buy a new one. but then thinking when can i get enough money to just support myself... and my dog.... hope the routine that i get later makes me more mature in everything.

a whole new world tomorrow is gonna start. a whole new world that i never imagine myself in before. the word "my office" is never ever crossed my mind before and tomorrow i will make myself get use to that word. I feel very lost now. Tired, irritated and angry towards..... i dunno....
sad to know that i have to do what i should do. not what i want to do. sad that i can't get what i want and have to let go everything that i love.

My stomach is burning now. feel like i'm gonna throw up but just can't throw up. something tickling inside melt my weak heart and squeeze my tears out. wash away all my happiness and throw it to the darkness of loneliness. i hate being lonely but everything just sealed me in the empty corner of the world. no sound, no lights, no one, no hope. i feel hopeless to myself and i start to think that maybe this is my fate to be lonely in this world. losing all the things i love and someone that i thought i will die to live without. i lost everything. empty.

playing a soft music on my CD player. This song just remind me to two persons that i never seen before. never touch before but i cared before. so sorry that i never give them a change for everything. so sorry that i have to do all those things.
I'm crying now for them. hope you forgive me.

realise that this room is so pack yet felt empty. those clothes that you used to wear, the towel that you used to use, you comb and all things that's yours stare at me asking where are you. I don't know! don't ask me! don't you ever think that i never love you. but i'll try to be happy when you find someone else. someone who will love you and never leave you. i will try to keep my tears away from spilling. but will still cry not in front of you.

now my head pounding like there's a thousand pound stone inside. heavy and pain. and makes my heart shattered. feel like crying even more but just can't afford to do it again.
maybe i need to sleep. or bury myself into a book. *sigh....

STUCK ON YOU - Lionel Richie

Stuck on you
I've got this feeling down deep in my soul that I just can't lose
Guess I'm on my way
Needed a friend
And the way I feel now I guess I'll be with you 'til the end
Guess I'm on my way
Mighty glad you stayed

I'm stuck on you
Been a fool too long I guess it's time for me to come on home
Guess I'm on my way
So hard to see
That a woman like you could wait around for a man like me
Guess I'm on my way
Mighty glad you stayed

Oh, I'm leaving on that midnight train tomorrow
And I know just where I'm going
I've packed up my troubles and I've thrown them all away
Cause this time little darling
I'm coming home to stay

I'm stuck on you
I've got this feeling down deep in my soul that I just can't lose
Guess I'm on my way
Needed a friend
And the way I feel now I guess I'll be with you 'til the end
Guess I'm on my way
I'm mighty glad you stayed

my wish...

woohooo!!! i'm HOMESICK!!!! sick of living alone.
and i miss the time when i was still a little girl. mom will cook for me, dad will tell me stories, my grandma will laugh with me.
i miss the feeling of being surrounded by the people who love me, who care about me.
I wanna to go back to my parent's house!!!!

Matchbox 20 - Unwell

All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why

[Chorus]

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me

I'm talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I've lost my mind

[Chorus]

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

I've been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away

[Chorus]

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

Yeah, how I used to be
How I used to be
Well, I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be
I'm just a little unwell

bah...

i reached home with an empty hand. no cigarette and no wallet. I quit smoking. it's been 4 days already and i have to say goodbye for my wallet as well. i knew something bad will happened to me when i decided to go orchard this afternoon. if it wasn't because of mom i'll never go.

i went to orchard to take my dad's document and supposed to send it to Jakarta. but in the end i didn't send it. i realised that my wallet was not with me when i wanted to pay the mail fee. i was so upset, panic, and blur. i walked out from the post office, just walked with no direction tried to think with my suddenly stop brain and cried. i stood and cried just beside the christmas tree. how ironic can it be. i didn't cry cos it's almost christmas. i cried for my damn fucking lost wallet. i called my friend (still crying) then i called immigration regarding of my fucking lost social visit pass ans called my dad to let him know that i lost both the credit card. one of it silver and one of it gold. called my bank abt my lost atm card as well. so fucking lot things to do tomorrow.

when i lost my wallet one thing crossed my mind. i have no money at all. walking ard like a ghost with an empty stomach. thanks to my friend who picked me up and brought me for dinner. thanks to him that he lent me couple of bucks just in case i might need it. thanks for everything my friend! GOD bless you! i can't do anything in return but i know GOD will.