New Year wishes

First of all and it must be the first one to say today is: Happy New Year to everyone who read my blog.

I was sitting at the office, did my work, sent email to my customer and keep typing the same thing in the end of the mail : "Happy New Year".
Suddenly crossed my mind the thought of new year wishes. Never thought of it before. maybe i was too busy thinking how to get part time job that i like and how to make my financial life more stable. Hmmm.... it could be my first and the most important wish for next year. To be healtier? stop smoking? hmm.... i've been saying this to myself everyday. but nothing has been done. to..... be faithful? ha ha ha ha..... nonsense wish. i can't think of something for my wishes.

still sitting here in my office. ahhh!!!! next wish!!! never ever write again with the first sentence of:"still sitting here in blah blah blah... " or " here i am in blah blah blah..." don't you guys realise that i always begin almost every blog by these sentence. i knew abt it long ago but that's the fact. i can't write like: "here i am walking on the beach blah blah blah...." cos when i'm walking on the beach i can't type anything on my laptop and i can't type when i can't feel it. so anything that you read on my blog is whatever feeling that i feel.

I know that most of you who read my blog would think that "this girl had got no life" or maybe " this girl doesn't know how to mae life happier" i can't write when i feel happy. i can jump, i can scream, i can laugh but not writting. For my writting is something that i have to feel more. And when i'm sad i can't talk, and i can't do anything except for crying and writting. So everyone who read this blog, thank you for your time to listen to my heart. thank you is you understand how i feel. thank you for giving me support on my shoutbox. thanks for everything.

today is the end of this year and i wanna leave behind my immature habit, my sleeping disorder, i wanna live happier *if i can but must!* i want to be more mature*and i still dunno what is the meaning of immature and mature* hope i can make people around me happy*and i still dunno what is the definition of happy* I want to travel around the world*evethough i know that is a bit impossible for next year*

That's all folks! this will be my last post for this year. Again, Happe New Year everyone! see you guys again next year! and i really mean next year!

Dance With my Father - Luther Vandross

I MISS MY PAPAH!!!!

Back when I was a child,
before life removed all the innocence
My father would lift me high
and dance with my mother and me and then
Spin me around til I fell asleep
Then up the stairs he would carry me
And I knew for sure I was loved

If I could get another chance, another walk, another dance with him
I'd play a song that would never, ever end
How I'd love, love, love
To dance with my father again

When I and my mother would disagree
To get my way, I would run from her to him
He'd make me laugh just to comfort me
Then finally make me do just what my mama said
Later that night when I was asleep
He left a dollar under my sheet
Never dreamed that he would be gone from me

If I could steal one final glance, one final step, one final dance with him
I?d play a song that would never, ever end
Cause I'd love, love, love
To dance with my father again

Sometimes I'd listen outside her door
And I'd hear how my mother cried for him
I pray for her even more than me
I pray for her even more than me

I know I'm praying for much too much
But could you send back the only man she loved
I know you don't do it usually
But dear Lord she's dying
To dance with my father again
Every night I fall asleep and this is all I ever dream

Merry christmas!

woke up at 3 pm today *hehehehe* had a gggooooooooooddddd sleep last night! dreamless sleep *which i prefer everynight* i am still sleepy though! planning to pamper myself today. forget everything that had been bother me this whole year. put my feet in warm water inside my aircon room..... ice chocolate on my left hand and my new book on my right hand *actually not my book. i borrowed it from my friend* aaahhhhhh sounds nice and it makes me even more sleepy now.... hahahhahaa

I'm gonna start another book by Paulo Coelho. this guy from somewhere in brasil *this is how it spells according to the girl in the book* i think. cos the new book is really in detail in brasil. correct me if i'm wrong buddy. cos i dunno much abt this guy except for his writting that is light yet interesting *since english is only my second language*

So Happy Christmas everyone! I played pool last night. quite good for a girl named Nina. hehehe... my double corner shot was good and my placing for the ball was excellent. and i dunno which Lucky God was on my side last night... hope he knows and will be on my side everytime i play pool. especially when i play pool with my other friend whom i never win over everytime we play! see you in the future buddy! i will not give you even a chance! i will not give you face to the ppl just next our table! I will! hate it whenever i have to play pool with you! but you're my best buddy.... so what i supposed to do? *since singapore doesn't have any other interesting things to do besides get drunk and movie*

Again Happy Christmas everyone! i hope u guys had a wonderful christmas eve last night! those in singapore.... maybe you guys were stuck in orchard.... heheh and others in diff country..... i dunno....
For my boss Peter Tan and My Dearest Collegue Diana Chung! Thanks for your companion in the office, stupid funny jokes that you guys always made everyday, for the lunch time and everything. hope you guys keep supporting me in the future!

christmas and love

I plan this christmas to be the most beautiful christmas in my life. i know we will never go anywhere. just stay at home spend the time together. maybe i'll cook or maybe we can watch movie on tv or we can just hug the whole day.
it will be a very wonderful christmas it will ever be.

this is will be a very first christmas i can spend with someone i care. someone that fills my heart. someone i love. and this is the very first christmas that i can feel what is love. very first christmas i fall in love.

love is wonderful. very wonderful indeed. to have someone that fills my brain everytime. i can really cry for someone. cry for loving someone. wonderful cos i can let go my imagine. put my finger in a very high blue sky. feel the warm from the sun through my skin. feel the cold of the wind blowing my hair.

this christmas will be a very wonderful christmas in my life. feels like the whole world is celebrating the day for me. me, someone who can feel love for the very first time and understand why ppl say love is wonderful. love is very wonderful indeed.

this christmas will be a very wonderful day in my life and love is the sweetest thing that i ever feel. but it's all just on my mind...............................

i thought...

It' been far away than i thought.
My heart for you is indefinite.
I thought i could control
but i just can't.
I love you
more than i thiought i could.
So i will let it be
even you've hurted me many times
I'll just keep quiet
keep my feelings insidde
and continue to love you.
I will not think again
and will just let my heart
control everything.

Lately - Stevie Wonder

This song is just perfect to express my feeling........................

Lately, I have had the strangest feeling
With no vivid reason here to find
Yet the thought of losing you's been hanging
'round my mind

Far more frequently you're wearing perfume
With you say no special place to go
But when I ask will you be coming back soon
You don't know, never know

Well, I'm a man of many wishes
Hope my premonition misses
But what I really feel my eyes won't let me hide
‘Cause they always start to cry
‘Cause this time could mean goodbye

Lately I've been staring in the mirror
Very slowly picking me apart
Trying to tell myself I have no reason
with your heart

Just the other night while you were sleeping
I vaguely heard you whisper someone's name
But when I ask you of the thoughts your keeping
You just say nothing's changed

Well, I'm a man of many wishes
I hope my premonition misses
But what I really feel my eyes won't let me hide
‘Cause they always start to cry
‘Cause this time could mean goodbye, goodbye

Oh, I'm a man of many wishes
I hope my premonition misses
But what I really feel my eyes won't let me hide
‘Cause they always start to cry
‘Cause this time could mean goodbye

Anything for you

I'm mad. Sitting alone at night, crying hell a lot of tears. this is just not me. I'm supposed to be a very tough girl like what everybody said. "nina is a very tough girl." "nina is a playgirl." "nina ah? nina is a heartless girl."
Am i like that? then, why am i crying now? why am i feeling very sad now? listening all the broken heart song and cry? this is me at home, away from any eyes that could see me apart from my dog. a mute witness.

I'm crying i think because of what people say "in love". and i fell in love with someone that i can't be with. can i fall in love?
why people said love is a wonderful thing? if it's a wonderful thing, then why am i in tears now? is it wrong for me to fall in love? is love just not for me? why am i feeling damn blue?

"I'd still do anything for you
I'll play your game.
you hurt me through and through
but you can have your way..."

you hurt me through and through but here i am still in love with you and i am here still with tears on my cheek crying out loud for loving you. and here i am waiting for your love.

"I can pretend each time i see you
that i don't care and i don't need you
though inside i feel like dying
but you can never see me crying..."

maybe you don't know that i love you so much. but yes i love you like there's no tomorrow. I'll keep it in my heart cos i'm too proud to show it to you. And i know i'm crying for loving you. why do i have to love you?

"I hope you find someone to please you
someone who care and never leave you
but if that someone ever hurt you
you just might need a friend to turn to..."

And i know you're maybe in love with someone else but my heart just can't let me love somebody else. so i'll just stay. here. waiting for you in tears. and again why do i have to love you.... this much?

"i'd do anything for you
I'll give you up
if that's what i should do
to make you happy..."

I have to be strong and give you up. though i have to cry. and here i am AGAIN. crying. trying to just let you go. i'm trying to convince myself that everything will be all right eventhough i have to go through the tearfull night everyday.
I will let you go. eventhough my heart still want to stay here wait for your love.

difference....

I was in the middle of the crowd last night. All the strangers with the smile on their face. I don't know what happen behind that smiles. maybe they're happy or just to cover their sorrow. I was in the middle of the crowd, sitting while they were dancing. sitting and drinking and smoking. Yes i smoke again. and i don't know how should i feel about going back to become a smoker. that fucking nicotine just won't let me go. it's an expensive hobby here in Singapore. Very expensive indeed.

I have to go back to that crowd. i was in the middle of the crowd. surrounded by the wall and named the place China Black. I was there last night. i realise it was a long time ago since the last time i was there. me and my girl friends. sitting around, drinking, dancing and checking out all the guys. couldn't imagine that it's almost 2 years. i was still remember the first day i came to Singapore. did time pass so fast? or i just don't realise that time is actually running. i don't know.

The crowd. it was damn full of people yet i felt lonely. i can feel the fake happiness filled the air pictured through the fake smiles. i was bored. bored with fakeness fillied in the air. all my life is full of fakeness as well. how phatetic human being can make a living in the fakeness. as well as myself. does anybody realise it? or they're too not sensitive about this matter. i don't know as well. the most immportant thing is at least i can feel it and i'm trying to get out from this matter.

i'm reading a book right now. titled "Veronika decides to die" by Paulo Coelho. it's a very good book and makes me thing that if i want to get out from this fakeness matter which people find it common, i will be different from them and if i'm different from them, they will think that i'm insane. insane, mad or what it is supposed to be called is just an excuse for people to make the whole world become more predicted as human being is so lazy to accept different things in their life.

the music

Sitting here in my office, stacks of mails on my left, and my cd player on my right and my ears are absorbing the words from the music that i'm listening to.
just can't imagine i end up inside this building called office not in a huge old one called theatre. maybe this is how my life should go. maybe no matter what i studied, i will end up like this.

"love me, love me, say that you love me..... need me, need me, just say that you need me..."
yah just say that you love me and need me. you messaged me, said that you'll come tonight. i was happy for a while, but i press that feeling. thinking about something else to occupy my brain. i don't want to be too happy. i want to forget that you said you want to come tonight. i forget it. and now i forgot about it.

Still trying to make myself busy by typing this blog. yeah look so busy with my hand crawling on the keyboard, hitting all the things trying to make a word out of it. my brain is squeezed trying to find a right word to put for this sentence. tired. tired of waiting. tired of making myself as if i'm okay. as if there's nothing wrong with my life and as if all the people likes me with no exceptional.

Yes, all looks wonderful. i wake up in the morning, go to work, at night i can do whatever i like and whatever i want.
Someone called last night, asking me to join his company as a model. photo model. and i asked myself, i don't think i can do it. i just can't express myself in front of camera if there is somebody else looking at me behind or not behind the camera. and all the photo that i have i took myself. whatever....i would rather be the make-up artist and make people looks good no matter how ugly they are inside.

and...?

In my room, alone, feel bloated with my yellow lighting fiiled up the room, I'm thinking. I realise that tomorrow is my first day at work. and i get irritated by my lousy laptop with fucked up keyboard. Thinking when can i get enough money to buy a new one. but then thinking when can i get enough money to just support myself... and my dog.... hope the routine that i get later makes me more mature in everything.

a whole new world tomorrow is gonna start. a whole new world that i never imagine myself in before. the word "my office" is never ever crossed my mind before and tomorrow i will make myself get use to that word. I feel very lost now. Tired, irritated and angry towards..... i dunno....
sad to know that i have to do what i should do. not what i want to do. sad that i can't get what i want and have to let go everything that i love.

My stomach is burning now. feel like i'm gonna throw up but just can't throw up. something tickling inside melt my weak heart and squeeze my tears out. wash away all my happiness and throw it to the darkness of loneliness. i hate being lonely but everything just sealed me in the empty corner of the world. no sound, no lights, no one, no hope. i feel hopeless to myself and i start to think that maybe this is my fate to be lonely in this world. losing all the things i love and someone that i thought i will die to live without. i lost everything. empty.

playing a soft music on my CD player. This song just remind me to two persons that i never seen before. never touch before but i cared before. so sorry that i never give them a change for everything. so sorry that i have to do all those things.
I'm crying now for them. hope you forgive me.

realise that this room is so pack yet felt empty. those clothes that you used to wear, the towel that you used to use, you comb and all things that's yours stare at me asking where are you. I don't know! don't ask me! don't you ever think that i never love you. but i'll try to be happy when you find someone else. someone who will love you and never leave you. i will try to keep my tears away from spilling. but will still cry not in front of you.

now my head pounding like there's a thousand pound stone inside. heavy and pain. and makes my heart shattered. feel like crying even more but just can't afford to do it again.
maybe i need to sleep. or bury myself into a book. *sigh....

STUCK ON YOU - Lionel Richie

Stuck on you
I've got this feeling down deep in my soul that I just can't lose
Guess I'm on my way
Needed a friend
And the way I feel now I guess I'll be with you 'til the end
Guess I'm on my way
Mighty glad you stayed

I'm stuck on you
Been a fool too long I guess it's time for me to come on home
Guess I'm on my way
So hard to see
That a woman like you could wait around for a man like me
Guess I'm on my way
Mighty glad you stayed

Oh, I'm leaving on that midnight train tomorrow
And I know just where I'm going
I've packed up my troubles and I've thrown them all away
Cause this time little darling
I'm coming home to stay

I'm stuck on you
I've got this feeling down deep in my soul that I just can't lose
Guess I'm on my way
Needed a friend
And the way I feel now I guess I'll be with you 'til the end
Guess I'm on my way
I'm mighty glad you stayed

my wish...

woohooo!!! i'm HOMESICK!!!! sick of living alone.
and i miss the time when i was still a little girl. mom will cook for me, dad will tell me stories, my grandma will laugh with me.
i miss the feeling of being surrounded by the people who love me, who care about me.
I wanna to go back to my parent's house!!!!

Matchbox 20 - Unwell

All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why

[Chorus]

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me

I'm talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I've lost my mind

[Chorus]

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

I've been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away

[Chorus]

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

Yeah, how I used to be
How I used to be
Well, I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be
I'm just a little unwell

bah...

i reached home with an empty hand. no cigarette and no wallet. I quit smoking. it's been 4 days already and i have to say goodbye for my wallet as well. i knew something bad will happened to me when i decided to go orchard this afternoon. if it wasn't because of mom i'll never go.

i went to orchard to take my dad's document and supposed to send it to Jakarta. but in the end i didn't send it. i realised that my wallet was not with me when i wanted to pay the mail fee. i was so upset, panic, and blur. i walked out from the post office, just walked with no direction tried to think with my suddenly stop brain and cried. i stood and cried just beside the christmas tree. how ironic can it be. i didn't cry cos it's almost christmas. i cried for my damn fucking lost wallet. i called my friend (still crying) then i called immigration regarding of my fucking lost social visit pass ans called my dad to let him know that i lost both the credit card. one of it silver and one of it gold. called my bank abt my lost atm card as well. so fucking lot things to do tomorrow.

when i lost my wallet one thing crossed my mind. i have no money at all. walking ard like a ghost with an empty stomach. thanks to my friend who picked me up and brought me for dinner. thanks to him that he lent me couple of bucks just in case i might need it. thanks for everything my friend! GOD bless you! i can't do anything in return but i know GOD will.

waiting

Waiting and waiting. Yes it is much later like what you said. Much much later. And I'm still here waiting for you until i got the feeling that you won't come. Nevermind. I know you're having fun now.

I'm still here looking out my window. Looking at every taxi that pass by whether it will turn to my house or not.

I'm still expecting you to come even though my heart told me to just sleep. But i still here and no taxi turns to my house.

Remembered when you said you can't wait to see me again soon. You said it. And i believed it. Now it seems that those were empty words. Should i believe it anymore? Why should you make me hoping?

By the time i have nothing to hold on to in my life, you left me behind. I fell down and no one help me. You said you'll be here whatever will happen to us. but now...

Maybe i shall sleep. And i hope i won't wake up tomorrow. or won't wake up forever.

if i have to die tomorrow....

if i have to die tomorrow, i won't regret for what i had done though a lot mistakes i made, it made me to what i am now. i won't hate those who hate me. cos life is too short for me to find enemy. i love all my friends, my family and my dog. although i know not all my friend likes me but i can't do anything about it. let them choose to hate me or to love me.

i won't regret a thing that happened in my life if i have to die tomorrow. it's all just a memory which is nice for me to think it back. it will bring me smile and tears to be enjoyed. cos i enjoy crying as well as smiling.

if i have to die tomorrow i won't feel diappointed cos of all the thing i couldn't do. let it be... maybe it is not what i supposed to do. maybe it's enough for me to do anything in my life.

but i will be sad if i have to die tomorrow. cos i don't have the chance to spend all my life time with someone whom i really love. never have the chance to say that i love him. never have the chance to look him in the eyes and say that i really need him in my life. maybe i will cry all day till tomorrow comes and take my soul away from my flesh. yet i will say my last word for him : "i love you"

i love you...

I won't be sad if you find someone.
I will be very happy for you.
I promise.
I hope that someone loves you
more than i do.
I'll wish you happines
if you find somebody else
i really mean what i say now.
I hope that somebody
found that precious things in you
like what i found.
But if you caught me crying
don't ever feel sorry.
Just look away
and pretend you never see me crying.
I will not be sad.
I will just miss you
Cos i know i will never be able
to let you go.

girl...(II)

If i didn't do it,
maybe mommy can hug you now.
Maybe you are sleeping beside me now.
Or maybe crying out loud.
If i didn't do it,
maybe mommy can kiss you now,
touch your cheek
or maybe looking at you
while you are sleeping.
Girl...
If mommy didn't do it,
mommy won't feel giulty like now.
Mommy won't feel lonely again.
I'm sorry, love.
mommy did it.
And you never even had a chance
to see this world.

girl...

I'm sorry, girl.
Mommy can't hug you.
I'm really sorry, love.
Mommy can't kiss you.
Mommy want to hug and kiss you.
Really...
But mommy can't do that.
Don't ask mommy where your dad is.
Cos I don't know where he is.
Mommy also don't understand
why i did this thing.
Mommy really kove you, darling
but mommy can't have you.
Sorry...
that mommy have to kill you.

tears

Tears coming out from my eyes.
It's been long time since the last time
and this happen again?
I thought i ran out of it
but now i feel it on my cheek
coming down to the ground
hit it very hard cos the flows.
I don't want to feel it
but i can't control.
My heart seems stop
i can't feel anything
except for my heart is torn.
Covering my face
preventing the tears to coming out again
but it still flow through the fingers.
Make it wet and pain.
and here i am....
infront of my monitor
alone again......

another night in my life...

Another cigarette and another night
only cigarette and the internet
accompany me the whole night.
Another sleepless night
when the whole world sleeping
and i'm still here, smoking.
Light another cigarrete
breathe it through my lungs
and another words for my poem
my eyes still awake staring the world
and my brain still giving another word
keeps me awake this night.
I'm still awake
when the night fell into a deep sleep.
When the night turns darker and cold.

fucking bastard!

Kelvin: can u add me tan_60@hotmail.com
if u wan to add me msn
kelvin_lee5678@hotmail.com
can we have sex

becareful of this user on friendster another despo with greedy fucking itchy cock!!!! his photo on friendster is the photo of him on the beach wearing white tshirt and black shorts.



to Kelvin if u manage to read my blog: GET YOUR FUCKING COCK OUT OF THIS WORLD!!!

i miss you

you're the first thing in my head
attacks me whenever i wake up everyday.
the image of you kisses me good morning
hugs me and wakes my soul.
i miss you.
that's the word.
and i never feel this way all my life.
now i know why people said love is fantastic
cos it always make me smile
whenever i'm thinking about you.
imagining you every night hugs me to sleep,
imagining your voice through the late night wind,
saying that you will always be here with me
no matter what will happened.
the picture of you just popping out from my head.
i only see, hear and feel you
even when you are not around.
i love you
and i will always want to be next to you
no matter what will happen to us.

Migrain....

Here i am back on my bed, turning side to side with a huge pain of migrain, became devastated about things. No life, no career, no companion. Keep mingling with the wrong people and all the bastard guys with fucking greedy selfish penis.

Here i am back on my bed again turning side to side still in pain, thinking how all things will turn out to be? No clue...No answer... Always get the unanswered questions popping around in my bloody head and only turn out as migrain.

Sick of what had happened and don't care about what will happened to me. Living in this unpredictable life is just like trying to get yourself out from maze with no turning back.

I'm sick of playing now. but when i think i want to be serious, everyone plays with you except my mom who turns out to be TOO serious.
why don't just all the bloody people support me of what i am doing with my life? why all the bloody people must turn out to be enemy of mine? why?
only GOD knows the answer ans it's for HIM to know, for me to find out. looks like a quiz heh...??? who will give me that bloody score? and as if i care....!!!!!!
I just want to get out from the bloody maze!

hangover....

i got a huge pain on my stomach and a huge stone sitting on my chest. i can't breathe. too much smoking last night. all the joint in my body seems like binded with rubber. so stiff.

i went clubbing last night.... after so long now i can feel the feeling going clubbing again. the feeling was amazing! for a minute you can feel free. jump around here and there, drink!

I think i had enough of this night life. my body feels like too fragile to dance the whole night like last night. feel so tired now. it is not what i felt two and a half years ago when i went clubbing but then i can still did my presentation in front of the class.

but i realise. it wasn't wrong to went out last night. i really need something that makes me forget abt what is happening to me in the real life. i can't stand it anymore when my mom called me asking abt full time job which i never get since i graduated. i wrote to an agent to find me a full time job. when i was typing, i was totally confuse. i didn't know what job should i find and dunno how much my expected salary.

I think life is really hard. and people who is harder than life can go on. those who are weaker than life itself will end up commit suicide or crazy. and i still dunno which one i could be.

me myself and I

Here I am, at almost 2am, complaining about myself. I can't sleep again. And this annoying thought of mine came back on my bloody brainless head. witnessed by laptop monitor that face directly to my face and eyes. this always come and go at the wrong timing.

I am a 22 year old single girl. single?? yah single. Sigh... No! i'm not going to nag about being single. No! i'm not gonna tell you how happy I am being single. I'm in dilemma. In the middle of those feeling.
I will tell myself," i'm so glad being a single!" whenever i'm with my other single friends having a good time together. But sometimes my brain will nag,"shit! i wish i can be like that." when i going out with my couple friend. other time i will say," lucky i'm not taken!" if a guy asked me out. but then my heart is aching whenever i'm awake at night. whenever my insomnia comes back. I wish somebody's holding me, kissing me gently and stoping me from crying and say to me," don't you worry. i will always be with you."

i'm very tired and occupied now. thinking about job, my future and this annoying thought just won't leave me alone sometimes.
often, i cried alone in the middle of the night. realising that i am a very different person during the day and during the night. i'm saying here... totally different.

I'm strong yet weak. happy but miserable. life is driving me insane. in the end, only brings me tears.

*sigh.....

Just reached home. today is the last day of the production. started at 23rd september. i was the make-up artist for this chinese opera. FUN! i got to do a lot fun stuff and experiencing new things in make-up. i learnt a lot from this production. especially make-up, hair, and PEOPLE'S ATTITUDE!!

it's tiring but it's okay. i got paid. at least not so bad salary. but i have to face a lot of "ya ya" people. think that they are very good but....... dunno how to put themselves on the right place. always so ahow off but disturb people. always make people having a goosebump cos of their stupidity. *sigh..... how they're gonna survive.... i learnt a lot from there. i know what is wrong to do and what is right to do.

sometimes we have to be "kaypoh" about a thing on the right time and place or else people will think you're just plain lazy. even sometimes we have to sacrifice our need in order to do something. indirectly this tought me about life. it's always need something to be sacrified. here i sacrified my empty stomach to do the make-up on time. sometimes i could be very hungry, stopped doing the make up for a while to get some snack or run for smoke where there was even 3 mins break or we have to do the make up faster to get the break time. but that's our job. in order to get paid... poor thing huh..??? nevermind.

i'm tired these 4 days but i can't even sleep. AGAIN...... this is phatetic!! what am i supposed to do???!?!?!?!? can somebody help me????

ouch...

i cooked today. basicaly nothing special for me cooking everyday. i cook everyday cos it's cheaper. I cooked soup today with luncheon meat, chicken sausage* though i know abt the bird flu thing. but who cares...* and chinese vegetable* i dunno what it calls but i like it so much. salty taste*

as i prepared all things, i open the luncheon meat can, i cut myself. the cut quite bad and it's quite painful. i cut my palm and my finger tip. but somehow i enjoy the pain. i'd rather have the pain on my hand than in my heart. Once the cut heals *on ur palm* that's it. It won't suddenly torn apart again. But in ur heart, it leaves a mark there and it's very fragile cos it will, someday, torn apart and bleed again.

i dun have the desire to live nowadays. so many things appears to block my way now. right now i'm stuck. in the middle of no where and no money. who can help? i have to help myself. no other ppl but me. and i hate it. we all know, the theory said human being need other ppl in their life. but somehow, we do things on our own. whether we can continue living this life is depend On urself.

i realise now, maybe i'm too depending on other ppl, my parents, friends, collegue and now i'm trying to stand up by my own feet to continue walking in this unknown world. *sigh... what a difficult task i'm doing now.

am I? am I not?

i dreamt became a crazy girl. and the next day my friend said i was a bit crazy that day. i can feel i moving towards insanity.

sometimes i wonder..... it's good to be crazy. u just stay in the mental hospital, all the nurse, the doctor and everybody there, except the patient, take care of you. they feed you, they fullfil all your needs, from eating to shitting.

sometimes i can spend all day daydreaming to become crazy. no need to work, no stress and no other things that bother you. being insane you just sit, nothing to do, more daydreaming, and LAUGH!!! hauehauehauheuahuhauehaueeahuhuhueae*@&$($^@!!!!!......---> like that

actually, being insane has no sin. what is a sin to them. they don't understand that. they don't know what is sin and becos of that, they can do any sin. the more ppl knows what they can't do something,the more they will do it.



Again, i want to be insane. and i think my life's driving me there. and i love it. some things i can't bear. the more things you can't bear, the faster you can be crazy. life is tough and being crazy, makes life easier. think again.... it makes sense, doesn't it?

vision? insanity?

i have the vision
vision of life through insanity.
so pure, natural and scary.
insanity of life
drive people insane
without they know it.
and the people become the maid of insanity.
the vision of myself being insane.
the vision of people denying their insanity
that is part of their life.
then i saw u denied me for being insane
and i thought u're different from anybody else.
insane.
but you're not.

through sleepless night...

i just bought....

1. Tuscan oil burner

This simple ritual will help calm the mind, body, and spirit anytime of the year. Just aadd afew drops of your favourite home fragrance oil or pure essential oil, from The Body Shop, to the top of jar. Set the tea light in the base and light. Now relax and enjoy as fragrance fills the room.


2. Aromatherapy
Lavender ( Lavendula hybrida)
pure essentil oil
5 ml
origanically grown Lavender
Aroma: Balsamic. light and herbaceous.
Basic Benefits: Balancing for both body and mind. Calming, soothing and relaxing.
Directions for use: Essential oils can be used in conjuction with massage, bathing and vaporisation. As a general guide use 5-6 drops to every 10 ml base oil.

Warning: Flammable. If pregnant, or suffering from epilepsy, or any other medical condition, consult your doctor prior to using essential oils.
KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN.

a girl that won't close her eyes. and watching the night turns darker

I did a research about insomnia.... the cause, the cure blah blah blah....

INSOMNIA

VARIOUS CAUSES OF INSOMNIA ARE GIVEN BELOW

• Aging

1. As we age we produce less melatonin; 50% by 40 years.
2. Melatonin is a hormone produced by the pineal glands, which is chief sleep regulator of the body.
3. The pineal glands puts us in rhythm with the day, night, and the seasons.

• Overactive modern lifestyle.

1. People always seem to be on the move; at any given time 1/3 of the population is in
transit, be they numerous business trips, crossing time zones or hanging around airport
and railway stations, the circadian rhythms of the body are interrupted.
2. Modern work systems seem to advocate working long hours, stretching long into the
night.
3. Stress of family life, especially coping with children and the elderly.
4. Pursuing unrealistic goals.


THE CURE:

1. Try to go to bed at the same time every night. This helps condition your body to sleep during the sleep phase of your biological clock. Once this happens, your emotional disposition will greatly improve.

2. Cut back on coffee, tea and soft drinks that contain caffeine. Most colored soft drinks contain enough caffeine to keep you awake. Clear soft drinks such as 7-Up and Sprite contain no caffeine.

3. Avoid eating large, heavy meals before going to bed.

4. Deep physical relaxation can greatly enhance your ability to fall asleep when you want and to stay asleep once you are there.

or should i watched:

INSOMNIA

or....should i go to:

INSOMNIA

well... what do you guys suggest?

song that.....

I like this song and it always makes me cry...........

SAYING IT'S OVER

BY BOBBY CALDWELL

I walk along
The streets we used to walk
On a moonlit night together
How could such bliss
End up like this
I eat alone
At a table meant for two
And I miss the conversation
Now that you've gone away

There's no sleep for hearts that break
If like me you lay awake
That's the risk that people take
Saying it's over

When I get home
Well I pour myself a drink
From an almost empty bottle
Downing it fast
Drowning the past
I hear the phone
And I almost hesitate
'Cause it might be you that's callin'
Saying you're still awake

Do you miss the times we've spent
Wishing you could change events
Then I guess it made no sense
Saying it's over

We've got to be crazy to ever let
Love slip through our hands
Are we living to regret
Saying it's over

Do you miss the times we've spent
Wishing you could change events
Then I guess it makes no sense
Saying it's over

walaaaawww

this evening i went dinner with my friend. we were craving abt chilli crab. so we ordered chilli crab, sambal sotong and sambal kangkung. all chilli. hahaha.... we enjoyed the food so much until i realised something weird abt my front teeth. oh my GOD!!!

it began on one morning. my front teeth got a white little spot. all ppl said cos i lack of calcium. whatever. that morning i felt like a sandy thingy on my front tongue. i touched my front teeth with my tongue. it was chipped. iwas thinking. oh no! i have to go to the dentist. i went when i was in jakarta one month ago (just becos it's cheaper. and it was my holiday...). what the dentist do is took out my white part and filled my teeth with something like a white cement (Dunno what it calls.). i was very happy. i thought no need toworry abt it anymore.

so when i had dinner with my friend, i bite the crab. the next thing i know, it felt funny on my mouth. i touched my front teeth with my tongue, the so called white cement gone!!! my teeth chipped! GOSH i'm so shocked and shy! Infront of my friend! he laughed and he said "it's ok. not really obvious." i finished my food then i ran down the toilet. yah. it's not really obvious. stoopid.
i will never forget this incident. i have to use my back teeth to bite the crab! f**king crab!

hhhhaaaaaa...................

HHHHUUUURRRAAAYYYYY!!!!!!!!!! I slept last night!!!!

slept ard 3 am last night and woke up at 1 pm hahahaha..... slept 10 hours. i think this was a revenge. i woke up cos of my phone ringing and he's outside my door. he said he waited outside for quite some time already. ahahahahah.....

just done my laundry. ironed most of my clothes (inever iron those clothes which i use at home. why waste energy?) i must do something later. I must make myself tired so that i can sleep again tonight. hmmm... what should i do? hmmmmm..... aahhhhh bring my dog for a walk. that wouldbe nice. i'm happy, she's happy as well.

aahhh but she's sleeping now at the balcony. seems like she's in a deep sleep. the sickening cute face makes me melt. i dun have the heart to wake her up. oohhh so cute yet sickening. can u imaginewhen she did something wrong, i scolded her and she automatically give me that "did i do something wrong? please forgive me" look!!! sickening, irritating. CUTE!

i'm so glad that i have her with me. she filled up my life with her nonsense. nonsense here i mean she can suddenly run around the house and jump around here and there. restless... but when she wants to sleep, she always find my feet or jump on to my lap, lie down and sleep. thanks phoebe (that's my dog's name. dun ask me why it's phoebe) for brighten my day!


oh! today is my dad's b'day. i called him this afternoon to say happy b'day. he was with my mom and other friends mountclimbing!!!! he never bring me mountclimbing but now when i'm apart with me he go there with his friends. nevermind. anyway, happy birthday, Dad!!!

well...

Just scolded my doggie. she's super active today just like me. hahaaha.... still haven't sleep. GOSH....

it's officially evening. i'll just go to my friend's bbq again to make myself tired. and after this i'm gonna start a new book. and i don't hope i'll fall asleep. too late for sleeping now. i want to have a good deep sleep tonight. if not, oh well, i'll just go to doctor the next day and ask for some sleeping pills. anybody have a better idea? i really need valium now.
no coffee for me today. and guess what? coffee was never absent in my day before. at least a sip of it would make me feel better.

now i just feel stone. no mood to listen to music, no mood to do anything maybe in the mood to just read and type. blah...blah...blah... in fact i have nothing much to do. my room is clean as well as my house and the sun is still bloody hot and bright. oh well, with or without sun i still couldn't sleep. but i will definitely fall asleep with valium. hahahahha.......

i smsed my friend and told him that i couldn't sleep. he said i need to find a family. (read: i need to get married and have some kid) HELL!!! i will BUT in ten years time!!! i don't want to get married and settle down, at least not this year. whatever. i don't want think abt that cos my brain is occupied by thinking how to make myself sleeping tonight.

BLEAH......!!!!!!!

anybody knows how to cure insomnia? i still can't sleep and I almost finish a book that I just started 3 hours ago!!! i don't even feel sleepy AT ALL!!! what's happened to me?

this reminds me when i was still hmmm...... 14 years old. same... insomnia. as i was still in school, i took several pills of flu medicine. as a result, i fell in a deep sleep till i almost couldn't wake up for school. even when i can drag my body out from my beloved bed, my mind would just shut. it didn't work. and then i got addicted to it. i had to cut it down till i don't have to use it anymore.

but why now it comes again???? anybody got a valium??? i thought i'm tired enough to sleep last night.

hmmm.... what should i do know? sms everybody a good morning??? naahhhh..... why waste money early in the morning. i just had breakfast. incredible!!! cos i seldom feel hungry. only GOD knows when i'm hungry. i'm starting to talk nonsense here...... HELL!!! i can do anything here! this is my blog for goodness sake!!!

i'm too lazy to go out and bring my dog. it's bloody hot here. the sun shines like nobody business. "HEY! MISTER SUN! IT'S HOT HERE! COULD YOU PLEASE LOWER DOWN YOUR ENERGY???" oh well.... maybe he's deaf. nobody knows whether he's deaf or not. but i think he is. and nobody knows whether the sun is a HE or a SHE.... whatever! I NEED TO SLEEP!!!!

new here....

Found this website and i just felt like i have to have one. So, i signed in. heheheh....
i went to my friend's b'day party at costa sands resort east coast. but i was lost. i went to the pasir ris one. i found the empty unit. of course la!! all my friends were at east coast. stoopid right....

anyway, i had fun though. the food nice!!! as usual i'm the one who cooked, well, everybody cooked lah but i'm the busybody. i like to cook.

i went back home at 2 am. was very tired! but i found my baby dog was inside her cage!!! terrible!!!! she was very excited to see me at the door. jumped around here and there, the next thing i know my cousin put her there just becos my other friend came down. can't he just put her at the balcony...(that's where she pee and poo) so that at least she can pee and poo at the right place.... i was quite irritated by that. now she's in my room (usually she can't go in my room) sleeping happily on my carpet. she likes carpets. maybe she feels very comfortable sleeping on the carpet.

it's almost 6 AM already and i'm not sleepy!!! hell!!! what's wrong with me?!?!?! argh, maybe i'll just read some boring book and make myself sleepy. hope it will work...........