Nina's

Bad Marriages

2010-06-28T22:44:00.002+08:00

I grew up witnessing bad marriage. Husband beats wife, husband with second wife, husband marrying their maid, husband not being intimate with the wife and the last one is a bit different. Wife's not being intimate with her husband.

The last one i just heard about it several days ago. I know they guy. He used to be someone very close to me. He married the girl just after about 1 year they got together. When I got the invitation i was quite skeptical about it. I knew him and it's not his style of relationship. I was right. Now they're going separate way until they can sell their flat which could only be sold next year.

I feel sad for him. He claimed that they have a very different character. They just could not find an agreement in anything. I mean, look at this way, when you have a boyfriend or girlfriend, automatically you'll try to find out their true character and whether you can keep up with their imperfections and whether you guys can get the agreement on their difference.

Now I'm asking myself. Why does marriage seems to be so bad? Do I want to get married after witnessing all the bad ones? Of course I have witness the good ones. But being human, bad ones gives more impression than a good ones.

Gambling = Bad?

2010-06-25T22:17:00.002+08:00

Been addicted to gambling these days. I think it's already about a year now.

It all started from going to Genting. I believe those who stays in South East Asia know where it is. For those who are not familiar with it, it is located 45 mins driving off Kuala Lumpur in Malaysia. It is located on top of a mountain so the whether is just fantastic (for me).

Back to gambling, I didn't believe at first that gambling is interesting at all. every dollar that is lost was like a pinch for me. The game goes on and as I won several games, I found myself getting attached to the game. Casino became my favorite place whenever I go for holiday.

It is all about self-control. Come on... Everybody has a problem with it. Don't blame gambling for making people stuck deeper and deeper in their debt or ruining their family. Blame it on them for not being able to control them.

Now I am in front of my TV watching the world's famous World Cup with its most famous game Portugal-Brasil. Beside me is the betting tickets. Yes, ticketS! For me, It's about entertainment! It's about adrenaline! It's about making myself forget about things for a while. It's saver than drugs, saver than drinking.

Alright... the football is getting more interesting than writing this blog. Ciao!

to get married or not to get married. That is the question.

2010-06-23T22:20:00.004+08:00

You're 28. Not married. Staying in Asia. You're a problem.

Yup, that's what they think. At least I thought what they think of me and my kind. It's like a pain in the ass for Asian culture to find a girl that is not married in their late 20s. It's like a big sin that you're committing.
It's been about 2 years that I have been haunted by questions and statements like "why aren't you married yet?", "When are you getting married?", "Get married soon! and have lots of children!". Well, I do admit that getting married and having kids is one of human's responsibility in this world. But that is not the only purpose that we are created for.

I find it amusing that people force other people to get married at -they think- the right time. Before 30. I look at marriage as a beginning of all the problem that human need to face. Let's see it this way, if you're not ready to add more problem in your life, why must you?

Alright, I have a friend. Call her Jess. She's in her early 30s. Single. Attractive. Cheerful. 2 years ago she almost marry her ex boyfriend. To cut the story short, she broke up with him. Returned all the valuables that he had bought for her. But the most important thing, she is happier without him that she could ever be. She found out that she just can't marry him.

Jess has a younger brother. Just one year older than me. He has a girlfriend. They had been together for a year and they're getting married early next year.
I asked Jess "Why so fast? Together for a year and that's it? Wow.. they must be madly in love.." She said,"His girlfriend told him that if he doesn't marry her soon, she'll break off with him". "Why?" I asked. "I don't know. I don't think he is ready to get married. Financially. But he's marrying her anyway."
Short and shocking conversation. I mean, what are you chasing for?

My side of the story always comes from my parents. Right now they are worried that my fiance wont marry me when it is damn obvious to them that it is impossible that one of us could live without each other. Eventually, they atopped pushing me about getting married after I told them that I wont get married as long as they are still pushing for that.

Many other stories about marriage i heard from my friends. It is just irritating to have the same questions asked over and over again.

Pain

2009-08-14T11:27:00.001+08:00

I know you're hurt. It hurts me to see you hurt. You told me you don't want to hurt me ever. Prove it!
I care for you. Trust me. I would do anything to make you happy. I know you love me and I love you too. All the feelings that I have for you was true and believe me, you will always be in my heart. Please forgive me for the pain that you have now. I felt that the guilt is haunting me now and it breaks my heart apart.
Please don't break us cos this is the only thing that we have now and I can't afford to lose you.

VOTE FOR ME!

2009-03-17T21:00:00.006+08:00

VOTE FOR ME FOR TOP 10 FHM GND!!

My GND number is GND47!

sms format:

FHM4GND47[Your Name][Your Nric][Your Email]

I NEED YOUR SUPPORT!!!!!

If you would like to see more of my pictures, FIND me on Facebook. Just type my name:"Nina Mareta Kosasih". I know it's a bit long but it worth the type. hahaha....

FHM top 100 GND

2009-03-04T17:10:00.002+08:00

And... Here it is ....... and suddenlyy....

Ok Let me start from the beginning.

I was in desperate mode to get more cash in my hand cos of some things happened to me. I've been modeling for about 6 months now. And I came across this opening. It's an opening for FHM Girls Next Door 2009. Desperate to get fame in order to roll in the cash as well, i sent a few of my pics afterward i felt ashamed to myself. As though there are 2 voices shouting at each other. "how can you send your own picture there? You think you are f***ing pretty? you think you are damn hot???" the other voice said "it's alright. it's just for fun. No harm done anyway. just forget about this."

So.... I followed my second voice. I started to forget that even though my other voice kept on screaming and i ignored it.

About a month and a half, FHM contacted my through email. It gave me a sudden blood rush to my brain and leashed out my sweat. ir stated that i was pre-selected for FHM top 100 GND. I asked around what it meant by pre-selected. Still need to go audition for top 100 or what??
Well... i needed to go to their studio for a photoshoot. it was about a week from the day i read the email.

I started my diet 3 days before the shoot. I had to. I have rather protruding stomach if i eat solid food.
The day of the photoshoot had arrived and i hadn't enough sleep the night before. I was excited, scared and restless. I scheduled my shoot at 4pm. I reached the studio 3.45pm to show that i treat this thing seriously.

When i was outside the studio, i saw one girl going off the studio. I guess she is a malay with a nice features and body. I was thrilled, devastated and my confidence start to drained out. I told myself, it's ok you're doing this just for fun. My confidence went back a bit.

I was told to fill in a form and read the statements behind the form. It stated there that i have already chosen as one of the top 100 GND. And i still couldn't believe it. It only made my whole body shook nervous and excited.
One of the guys asked me to get ready for my turn. I put on my make up byt i couldn't do it properly as my hands shook. I had to use 2 hands to apply mascara. one holding the mascara, one holding my other shaking hand putting my mascara. Now, make-up done and my bikini was done as well. Time to show my posing skill. hahaha...

So there i went in. It as less than 3 mins. It was like a .... blitz of a light and it was done!

So all the devastation and excitement were for that 3 minutes!
I went home and try to forget it.

I received an email yesterday night that my picture will be out on the 13th March 2009 for FHM top 100 GND. Thrilled and start to "book" my friend to vote me. So kiasu............. Haiz....

Just Some Crap

2009-02-04T12:48:00.000+08:00

People said love sets you free.
And I thought we should listen and follow our screaming heart.
But why I found the love that I feel right now forbidden?
And why am i now forced to ignore my pure heart crying?
Am I not supposed to feel this love?
Or all that I feel now is not for eternity.
Who should judge?

WTF

2008-07-23T11:07:00.002+08:00

Oh.... And now everything is my fault.

My fault for being too ignorance about relationship etiquette. Guide me! I know nuts about anything! You are my parents... you supposed to educate me!

It's just like, i wake up from my sleep and found so many fingers pointing at me for creating a stupid situation.

I repeat to you again... I DON'T KNOW ANY FUCKING THING!

Just SPEAK to me like you supposed to. If you don't wanna feel worry, ASK me question. If you want me to know things, TELL me straight to my damn face!

TALK TO ME!!!
why is it so hard to just talk to me?
Don't expect me not to bang anything while I'm searching in the dark. Who asked you to leave me alone in the dark to find my way. Give my some light! A little light will do and I'm not asking you to take the whole sun to light me.

I'm tired of feeling guilty. I never asked to become an apple of your heart. This makes me go crazy. Please.... If anything happens to you, I don't want to be the one who's responsible for this. I didn't have a chance to choose my own way.
Just stop putting more and more responsibility on my shoulder. It got no more space. It got no more strength to carry anything anymore.

All i wanna ask is just to let me go a little bit. Please give me some air to breathe!

Is it true?

2008-07-03T21:06:00.002+08:00

i'm wondering... what on earth human are created for? what on earth all the plant and all the animal are created for?
they live and they die... just to destroy the earth?

Human make a living in the earth. sometimes they can be honest to make money, they can cheat each other even kill each other.. but for what purpose?

Is it true when we do kindness we all will go to heaven?
What is heaven? what is hell?

What is good and what is bad?

What is religion? I thought religion is created by human. So those cave man who are cannibal by culture.... can they be called sinners? i don't think they know what is the meaning of sin. will they go to hell?

All these question popped up in my head. just suddenly. And i have the urge to spit it out.

..

2008-06-24T21:03:00.002+08:00

Feel a bit down today. Maybe cos he didn't come back home last night.

*Sigh*

Why the hell am i sooo madly in love?
So maybe that's why he's my bf...

What am i talking..???

................

New Face

2008-05-07T12:00:00.002+08:00

I decided to change the face of my blog. I'm bored with the old ones.

Hopefully I can keep my finger croosed to keep on blogging. I'm running out of stories to tell and having a not-so-good camera in hand, i can never take a good quality pictures of my everyday life.

owh... I did some photoshoots couple weeks back. I haven't really get the pics yet. Only 4 of them. I'll post the link up when i get all the pics.

See ya!
*Hopefully with more interesting stories or pics. Crossing my fingers tight!*

A "sorry"

2008-03-30T23:15:00.003+08:00

You've said a wrong thing to me and that makes me sad. It hurts my feelings but do you even know that? Do you even know what you have done wrong?

It's been 50 hours and 23 mins since I have been ignoring you and you don't seems to be..... arrghhh.....
You make yourself think that it's the woman's hormone thing. It is not! It's just happen to be at the same time.

I am not making things difficult. I am not trying to brag that I have done the toughest thing to do to become your girlfriend. I am not asking you to treat me as a queen since i have helped you in your difficult times and I am never ever feel proud of helping you. Not at all!!

All I want is just a recognition that I am also a human. A human that doesn't want to be insulted in anyway. All that I have now in life is only you. You have me and I have you. I thought we should be opened to each other. I know sometimes human might say things that are not supposed to be said. I understand that human makes mistakes. I truly know it. I need a "sorry" and everything would be fine. A simple word of "sorry" and yet it is so hard for you to say it and I have realized that you have never say the word before.

Is it about pride? Man pride?

*sigh* I just don't understand.

Lady and The Tramp - The Siamese Cat Song

2008-01-30T12:21:00.000+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fxpN2XrYDLM&feature=related

Me like it a lot!!

All the memories about my young time rushed to my brain and make me smile alone.....

Pak Harto 1921-2008

2008-01-28T12:44:00.000+08:00

Selamat tinggal, Pahlawanku. Semoga jalan yang kau harus tempuh di dunia akhirat tidak berliku-liku. Doaku selalu menyertaimu selalu.

Terima kasih atas semua jerih payah yang telah kau tumpahkan kepada Tanah Air kita Indonesia. Kau angkat tinggi harga diri bangsa Indonesia di muka dunia luar. Kau bumbung tinggi pula taraf hidup rakyatmu dan kau jaga keseimbangan hidup beragama, dan aneka ragam budaya yang terkandung atas negara kita.

Bagiku, dan aku yakin bagi sebagian besar rakyat Indonesia, jasamu sangatlah besar terhadap negara ini. Tanpamu, tak mungkin dapat kita raih kesejahteraan hidup pada waktu kau berkuasa.

Jangan dengarkan seru-seruan orang yang kau tinggalkan di dunia. Mereka yang menyerukan kejelekan- kejelekanmu. Beranikah mereka yang berseru-seru itu bersumpah atas sucinya hati mereka? Beranikah mereka menyangkal semua dosa-2 yang pernah mereka perbuat?

Terima kasih sekali lagi aku ucapkan hanya untukmu. Selamat Jalan, Jendral!

Puas.........

2008-01-22T20:40:00.000+08:00

Aku disini duduk sendiri menanti jemputanmu. Sendiri aku pandangi lampu yang sudah sedari tadi padam. Aku bertanya-tanya dan mencoba menganalisa keadaan diri. Kenapa jiwa ini begitu bosan dengan segala yang telah aku miliki? Aku punyamu dan kamu punyaku. Perasaan itu makin kukuh. Lebih kukuh dari perasaan yang sebelumnya pernah aku bilang kukuh. Betul!! Sebegitu kukuhnya sampai aku ingin kita berhenti duu. Aku ingin merasakan lagi bagaimana rasanya rindu. Kau selalu menjadi yang terbaik untukku. Kau sealu sedia disaat aku membutuhkanmu. Aku merindukan rasa rindu akanmu. Aku merindukan rasa ingin melihat wajahmu. Aku merindukan rasa ingin menikmati belaianmu.

Memang manusia tercipta dengan tidak memiliki perasaan puas. Aku memiliki segalanya tetapi tetap menginginkan yang lebih lagi. Memang alam tercipta dengan segala rupa misteri. Hidup berjalan juga dengan segala keanehannya.
Andai saja aku tercipta selalu bersyukur dengan apa yang telah aku dapat. Betapa ringan dan cerianya hidup ini. Meskipun aku mencoba mensyukuri apa yang telah aku dapat, tetapi hati keciku selalu menginginkan yang lain. Menginginkan sesuatu yang mungkin manusia lain tidak bisa terima dngan akal sehat. Mungkin itulah mengapa orang selalu bilang hidup ini penuh dengan lika liku...

210108 11.05pm

my first blog in the year 2008

2008-01-06T22:57:00.000+08:00

and... hope it's not too late to write something about my new year resolution.

Well, first of all... HAPPY NEW YEAR to everybody!! hopefully you guys spent your countdown with your loved one or bunch of happy friends... I went to see fireworks. I promised i'll post the pictures soon!!

Now let's go back to my new year resolution... I'm saving my money to go to Canada and find my sis there. We'll go around Canada. Explore the country. Just the two of us!!! As this will be the first time I'll go to a country that has snow season, I'm planning to go in December 2008. I want to see snow!!! heehehehe.... yeah i want to see winter which i doubt i will see it very often in the future.

I am going to let go myself and have a good break. I've got enough stress from the course that i took. I wonder, what did i do to myself for the past year? I went to school, though it is good for me, i am tired! I am stressed out! I am going to explode.... And the worst thing, I BLOODY PAID FOR THOSE THINGS!! hahaha.. life is funny sometimes....

Ok I better go finish up my reports. I'm having my last presentation tomorrow thanks to GOD!

ciaoz.....

Personality Disorder Test

2007-11-23T20:08:00.000+08:00

Ikut Ikutan deo aaahhhh

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Personality Disorder:	Low
Schizoid Personality Disorder:	Low
Schizotypal Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Antisocial Personality Disorder:	Low
Borderline Personality Disorder:	Low
Histrionic Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Avoidant Personality Disorder:	Low
Dependent Personality Disorder:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	Moderate
-- Take the Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Info --

*Hasilnya datar-2 aja... boseenn!!!

201100 06:28pm

2007-11-16T13:21:00.000+08:00

Kuterdiam dan merenung.
Menyesali semua keputusanku.
Kumelepaskanmu dan membiarkanmu pergi.
Terpuruk ku disini
bersama dengan segala kenangan indah bersamamu.
Akankah semua itu dapat kuraih lagi?
Dapatkah kugenggam lagi
semua janji yang pernah kita ucapkan dulu?
dapatkah kurasakan lagi
pelukan dan hangatnya kasihmu?
Akankah kau bersamaku lagi?

031201 00:15pm

2007-11-16T11:26:00.000+08:00

Aku termenung disini ditemani oleh suara angin yang membelai lembut telingaku.
Gejolak rindu yang dengan lembut memanggil jiwaku bergema di hatiku.
Bayanganmu, Cintaku, dengan mesra merayuku di pelupuk mataku.
Kemanakah perginya kau, Cintaku?
Mengapa hanya ada diriku yang rapuh ini diselubungi oleh kegelapan malam yang seolah-olah siap menerkam dan menelanku kedalam penderitaan cinta yang menakutkan dan tak berujung?
Aku akan tetap disini menantimu, Cintaku, sampai kau kembali bersanding di sisiku dengan mesranya bisikan nakal cintamu yang kau bisikkan di telingaku, dengan lembutnya sentuhan jemarimu yang kurasakan di kulitku, dengan gairah cinta yang bergejolak yang kau tunjukkan dalam pelukanmu serta manisnya cinta yang kunikamti di bibirmu melalui ciuman yang kau klabuhkan di bibirku.
Cepatlah kembali, Cintaku... dan sembuhkanlah luka rinduku kepadamu yang sedang meradang perih di hatiku

diskusi kakak beradik di MSN setelah gue post puisi gue "031201 00:15pm"

2007-11-16T09:48:00.000+08:00

edria just sent you a Nudge!

You have just sent a Nudge!

edria says:
peee

arrhythmias tachycardia says:
abis makaann

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makan kimchi nudel

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gue mau aplod puisii

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heueh

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tapii...

edria says:
|??//??

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maluuu

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??????????

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gue upload

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eh

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lu online masih lama?

edria says:
ngantuk gue

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kaenya engga

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ok

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ya wes

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ya da gw tungguin

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ok

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dhh

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eh

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?????????

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dahh

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hehe

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dahhh\

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hsuhaua

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puas??????????

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ini puisii uda 6 taun yang lalu oii

edria says:
hwahwhahwhaw

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liat aja judulnya

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heuehuh

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bia...

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diambil dari buku puisi gue yg uda bangkotan

arrhythmias tachycardia says:
hauah

edria says:
6 taun????

edria says:
hem

arrhythmias tachycardia says:
masih ada puisi-2 yang is punya

arrhythmias tachycardia says:
hauahuah

edria says:
masi ma mas iis??

edria says:
hwahwhahw

arrhythmias tachycardia says:
MASII

arrhythmias tachycardia says:
OMG

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gue baru sadar!

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OMG

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eh..

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bentarrr

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uda ga

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oh

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sama yg baruu

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yg sesudah iss

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iis

edria says:
marco>>>

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bukan

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hwahahwhawhahw

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emm

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bntarrr

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ama yg di singapore punyaa

edria says:
jgn ngomonggg

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edria says:
oh

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hayo

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hayooo

edria says:
bukan gue kira yg ngasi lu cincin gopean

arrhythmias tachycardia says:
BUKAN!!!!

arrhythmias tachycardia says:
itu william

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hauahauha

edria says:
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pa namanya

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edria says:
ario

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bukan

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ar

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edria says:
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AAAA

edria says:
soalnya si pigi

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namanya pigi sapa ya

arrhythmias tachycardia says:
hmm

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pigi lah!

arrhythmias tachycardia says:
!

edria says:
bukannnnnnnnnnnn

arrhythmias tachycardia says:
pigi dia yang kasi giut?

edria says:
iyeeeeee

arrhythmias tachycardia says:
dia pernah kasih boneka kan

edria says:
ada namanyaaa

edria says:
nama aristo ama nama lo

arrhythmias tachycardia says:
aina

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hauahuahauhauahuahauhauha

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edria says:
bukannnnnnn

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IYA

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IYAAAAAA
GOBLOGGGG

edria says:
whahwhawhawh

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SUMPAH GOBLOG SEKALEEEE

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gilak

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lu masih inget ajee

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gue aja uda samar-2 ngingetnya!

edria says:
wahhwahah

edria says:
abisnya

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yg ngasi nama kan gue

edria says:
aini

arrhythmias tachycardia says:
soale gue panggil tu cowo aito kan

edria says:
oooooooooooooooooooo

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iyeeeeeeeeeee

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aini

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btul2

arrhythmias tachycardia says:
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hauahauha

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gue nyengir-2 sendiri

edria says:
wakakaka

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eh eh eh

edria says:
apeeeeee

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gue mau tidur bntar lagi

arrhythmias tachycardia says:
ok

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ya wes

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anak-2 kemana seh

edria says:
eh

edria says:
ada yg blaes komen lo

edria says:
lo bales gihh

edria says:
whahwha

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lucu juga ni orang

edria says:
si deo tidur jem 5 pagi

arrhythmias tachycardia says:
hauha

edria says:
so i dont think he will wake up this time

edria says:
and i dont kno abt sigit

edria says:
kaenya masi ngimpi ma wulwul

arrhythmias tachycardia says:
hauhaa

arrhythmias tachycardia says:
cepet ajeee

arrhythmias tachycardia says:
uda ada yg komen!

edria says:
hwahwah

arrhythmias tachycardia says:
uda gue bales

arrhythmias tachycardia says:
hauahauhauah

eh....

2007-11-13T11:43:00.000+08:00

Hari ini gue menimbang-nimbang, merasa-rasa dan mencicip-cicip.... setelah berpikir hampir stengah hari lamanya dan menelpon sana sini akhirnya gue memutuskan untuk BACK OUT dari mid term test gue besok.
GUE GA SIAAPPP!!!! setelah dengan percuma gue membakar habis weekend gue kemaren dengan blajar *dan upload lagu-2 jugaa.. hehe* ternyata semua usaha sia-2.

Skr pikir aja deh. Besok mid-term itu 20% hasil total. 10%-nya lagi itu individual assignment yg so pasti gue yakin bisa dapet bagus. Kalo besok gue turn up utk mid-term tes dan gagal..... gue akan kehilangan 20% gue ituuu dan kalo gue ga turn up besok, gue masih bisa claim dari final exam. Jadiii... Final exam gue harus TOKCER!!! hehehe...

FYI... subject yg besok mau mid-term itu IT. sambil blajar sambil nyanyi "You drive me CRAAAAZZYYYY!!!!"

Mid-term test high

2007-11-12T22:02:00.000+08:00

ugh... hate it when the mid term test is coming in 2 days time... I am not ready to face it yet. I study today. I'll forget tomorrow. A bit low morale but I have to keep on telling myself that i can make it. I've learnt that faith can save your ass. No joke... Things will really turn out just like what you'd think it would be. But i just hate it when I have to study some boring subject. It's IT for goodness sake!!I just can't imagine how the hell those IT people study... Don't you find it boring?? No offense, but it is for me..

Today's Office...

2007-10-25T17:10:00.000+08:00

My Treat of the day... Java Chips!!! An it's nice!!!

Our dear GM aka Ground Maggot suggest me to take the Taiwan's "2 0 5" act cute pose. So i did it... not alone...

~~~~"2...!!!"~~~~~~~ "0..!!!"~~~~~~~~ "5...!!!"~~~~~~

Dejavu

2007-10-24T11:02:00.000+08:00

I met him yesterday. After almost 3 years, he still looks as good as before. A little bit older of course but he just feels the same. I was nervous (with no reason) and I felt awkward a bit. I dunno whether he feels it or not. But he commented that it was not awkward at all.
Think back when we were still used to each other, it was very sweet. He was the only person that i could talk to. He was the only person that had the same thought as i do. But now, everything had changed. Or maybe I had changed so much till It was so awkward to talk to him. I could not talk. I dunno what to talk about. He was the one who actively ask me and talk to me. I was just.... sigh...
I wish i could turn back time. If only I can talk more to him. If only i can press the awkwardness that happened inside me yesterday. If only i could hide my nervous feeling that i had. If only....
I was quite sad after the meetings. I was sad for the fact that ... everything was not done like what i expected it should be done. I felt everything was wrong!!

What our boss bought us from KOREA!

2007-10-19T17:50:00.000+08:00

His Farm

2007-10-15T12:37:00.000+08:00

We went to his farm last Sunday and I took several pictures out of it including the "KIDZ" (aka dogs!!). Well... here they are....

This is "Si Putih" ("white").
He is sort if the leader of the troops. He is brave but some how very playful puppy (yes he is not more than 1 year old. 10 months I think).
Because of this playful and cuddly behaviour, we call it "Kucing" (cat).

This is "Si Hitam" ("Black").
The opposite of "Si Putih". He has rather small built compare from others, very shy, scary cat dog. He do not bark, do not want people to touch him. We keep him cos we do not have the heart to throw him away. I didn't allow it to be thrown away though..

This is "Si Bogel" ("Short").
We call it "Bogel" (Short) because she is very very short and small. But she is the 'Flower' of the troops. 3 weeks ago, all the male dogs fight over her. Cos at that time, she just finished her period. Woo...
But the lucky thing is, she is not pregnant.

This is "Si Coklat" ("Brown").
The biggest dog. The fattest among all. he is very cheeky and playful. But not a very brave one. Another cat..........

This is "Si coklat ga ada buntut" ("no-tail-brown").
Rather confusing when you have 2 similar brown dog. The farm worker decide to cut away the tail for this dog. They cut it when he is still very very young. This dog is very independent. He can find food for himself. But not a very brave one. Quite a quiet one.

This is "Si Putih Cewe" ("Female-white")
Another independent dog. She is a female but i think she has not have her first period yet. Cos if yes, The neighbour dogs will come to look for her also.

This is "Si Paman" ("The uncle")
Yeah this is the uncle of the "KIDZ". My fave dog. The oldest among all. Quite and a very good dog. But he barks whenever he needs to.

I took several pictures from the farm also. Some nice view... (Click on the pics for bigger picture)

Picture 1,2 and 3 is the view of his farm. See the white gate surround the farm? That shows hoe big the farm is. It is about 6 acre. We also have chili plant that produce a lot of chili every day. We mean DAMN A LOT of chili EVERYDAY. That I can consider it to be my next business. Haha..
See the blur picture? That is a dead fish. The funny thing is, after some inspection, this fish died because it eat too much. The stomach burst out. Stupid fish.....

My Prayers

2007-10-08T18:46:00.000+08:00

My Lord...
Maybe I have forgotten about You
Maybe I have said nasty things about You
Maybe I have lost my faith in You
Or maybe I have turn my back to You.

My Lord...
Here I am once again kneeling upon Your face
Begging You for Your kindness
Regretting what I have done all this while.
Hope You still have a space somewhere in Your heart to forgive me.

My Lord..
I am nothing in Your eyes
I am just a single dust that fly away when the wind blows me.
I am just a nasty piece of human to You.

Please forgive me for everything that I have done.
Please give me chance to fix what i have destroyed.
Please hold my hands one more time.
Please carry me in Your arms again when I fall.
Please God... Please forgive me.

no more questions.

2007-10-02T12:10:00.000+08:00

Why do you think i can leave you alone? Why do you think i have the strength to walk away from you?

You said there are plenty guys outhere for me. I knew it. I have been with that plenty guys outhere and I can't find anyone or anywhere called home.

I have found you, I have loved you and I will stay with you. That is not my promise. That is what i planned for my life. And you can't force me or even just ask me to change what i have planned. That is it. Nothing will change.

I am not blinded by love. I love you, yes. I am too tired to start a new love life all over again. I am too lazy to deal with heartache again. Too busy with my own stuffs to find someone new.

Please just don't ask me again whether i want to leave you or not. I guess you should know what my answers are. Just don't waste your energy to ask me any more questions. I have not enough of tears to spare.

Funny Ads!!

2007-09-28T11:35:00.000+08:00

Thai Ads. *I felt sooo touched and sad after watching this*

Japanese Ads. *Cute!*

Thai Ads. *Rather stupid though HAHA...*

Picture

2007-09-27T11:27:00.000+08:00

There is something wrong with this picture. Look carefully.
Found it?
confuse...? me too when i took this picture. Hahaha...

hmm

2007-09-25T14:28:00.000+08:00

School holiday now. Felt a little bit release after the exams. I still can't believe I can answer business law's questions. It should be okay. It should pass at least....

I'm going to have my last semester start next week. I started to think what should I do after I finish my school. Suddenly I see everything became stagnant. I go to work and come back home to cook, clean the house and that's it. I have to find things to do.

The thing is.. it is so ironic. When I had a lot of things to do I will complain that I have no time to finish all the things that I have to do. When I have nothing to do, I start to find things to do and nag that I have not much things to do. Weird.. well.. it's human things I guess..

Well... let's go back to the day when I can answer all the business law questions. I was so happy after the exams. 3 of us, me and my classmates bought TOTO and hoping that we can strike most of the numbers plus i bought several numbers for 4D. Anyway... both of those also did not strike. What a lousy gambler I am. I almost strike th 4D but instead of buying 6542 i bought 6532. Missed by one single digit. Damn pathetic!

After the exam, we went to the KTV. It's my classmates' friend's KTV. It was empty. We were the only customer that came since they are open until they are close. We drank a lot and until one of my classmate had to go for jackpot. I chip in money for the jackpot and he told me that I have to get prepared to lose my S$50. I told him I am ready. And indeed when the next day he called me, I've lost my 50 bucks.

Moral of the story, i can't gamble and those who want to gamble, please do not include me in your group. Haha....

exam stress

2007-08-27T22:40:00.000+08:00

alright.. my exam date is coming soon in exactly 2 weeks time. 3 subjects and what i have now is only 1 subject's text book. where's the others?? it is passing around among my classmate and they need to copy it.

My nerves, my joints, my muscles and even the smallest muscles of mine are tensing up. As though i am sitting in the electrocute chair and ready to take my last deep breath before i could die. It really tenses up until my brain start to think about all the negative possibility i could get.

Oh pathetic me... I have been facing a lot of failure yet i have to suffer this feeling again to get another failure. Not failure again I hope. but who knows. No one will know what this could turn out. If it turn out right, I'll be the happy bunny jumping up the sky jumping over the jingling bells to the seventh sky.

Oh... talking about bunny and bells, you guys should try this funny, stupid yet addictive game. You should try to challenge yourself to beat your own high score. go to http://ywlt.com/flash/0bells.swf and let yourself get addicted to it.

Pray hard... yes that's what i can do.. pray hard that my hands can just start writing all the answers in the exam paper. pray hard that some lucky angel will sit beside me and whisper me all the answers. Pray hard that the bunny rabbit will appear in my dreams tonight and tell me what are the question that will be for the exam pray pray pray....
i think i'll play the rabbit now... hopefully it can reduce my stress tonight. I'll count down the dooms day start from tomorrow....

too many too much

2007-08-14T15:10:00.000+08:00

I'm stuck. I am breaking down. I just couldn't continue anymore. all the hectic life i've been making. My body just couldn't take it anymore.

I thought It would be so easy to be in a better position in life. I thought it would be like as easy as blinking your eyes to get a better life. Now i;m breaking down and I just wish to just runaway from everything that i'm doing right now.

I am breaking down. I thought what i have decided to do this year would not be that hard. It is just studying and working. It is just studying and working and tearing my body down.
I've been a sickly woman these couple of months and I'm angry to myself of being that sickly.

How I wish time could stop and let me rest. How I wish every night that I will never open my eyes tomorrow. How I wish I will never see the sunlight anymore How I wish i could just dissappear from this world. How i wish everything could stop. I am sick of all these. Just let me rest. Just let me rest in peace...

The one from the past with unknown date

2007-07-06T12:32:00.000+08:00

Sekali lagi malam menghampiri
dan aku disini duduk bersama bayanganmu
dan kerinduan memeluk jiwaku
terasa dingin dan sepi.
Saraf telingaku mengharapkan bisikan cintamu
dan aku hanya bisa menciptakan ilusi tentang dirimu.
Aku ingin menangis
tapi air mataku mungkin telah kering
atau mungkin saja bosan mengalir.
Dan aku hanya bisa begini
duduk bersama bayangan dan ilusi tentangmu.

TRANSLATION:

One more time darkeness night comes to me.
And I'm here sitting with your shadow
And loneliness embrace my soul.
My ear yearns your lovely whispers
and I can only create an illusion of you.
I want to cry
but my tears maybe have gone dry
or maybe my tears just don't want to flow out anymore.
I can only be like this
sitting with your shadow and illusions about you.

The one from 26thApril2001

2007-06-29T11:52:00.000+08:00

You ever said that I will be in your heart,
I thought that it would.
You ever told me that you will love me
for the rest of your life.
I thought that it would.
But now you have someone new,
who filled your hear.
So let me be your past,
Who give you a sweet memory.
I will always keep you..
Here, deep down in my heart.

8:25 am

My Poem.

2007-06-27T15:19:00.000+08:00

Here's what I have promised to upload... My old poems. Those in Bahasa, I've already made an effort to translate it. Enjoy!!

Aku disini sendiri
Sibuk dengan hatiku.
Memilah-milah isi hati.
Menimbang-nimbang rasa.
Membuang sampah memori.
aku temukan kau disini.
dihatiku.
Tak semestinya kau disini.
Kita memang bersama dalam raga.
tapi tak semestinya...
kau bertengger dihatiku.
Kusadari sekarang,
karna inilah airmataku mengucur.
Karna inilah...
Hatiku tertusuk-tusuk.
Aku tak semestinya mencintaimu.

Nina 14thMarch 2004 4:31 am.

TRANSLATION:

I am here alone.
busy with my heart.
Setting apart what's inside my heart from another.
Analayzing what does my heart feel.
Throwing all the rubbish memories.
I find you here.
In my heart.
You are not supposed to be here.
We are indeed together physically
But you're not supposed to stay in my heart.
I realised now..
Because of this my tears flow.
Because of this...
I feel my heart in misery.
I am not supposed to love you.

The memories, the house and him

2007-06-18T17:04:00.000+08:00

I moved out from my old house early this month. had a lot of memories there. It was so hard for me to walk ut from that house. This was the first house I can call home. The house, the memories and him. Not so bad though, I can still bring along the memories and the him part but not the house. No money to buy that Condo yet. As you know as well, properties in Singapore already hit the 9th sky.

I went through my old stuffs last week. Found my old poem books. I read it with smile. I was amazed myself that I can be soooo romantic at times. It's partly in Bahasa Indonesia and English. I will try to upload it here one by one but only after this week. My dad is in town. So I won't go back home to take my poem book. I'm staying with him in the hotel...

So wait for those poems next week!!

Muppet Show again..

2007-05-29T13:58:00.001+08:00

Still in Muppet Show Fever!

very very good video: COPACABANA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eek-XeZvHn0

This one is a must-see video!! FEELING
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LCayacFcCX4

Muppet Show Day!!

2007-05-28T17:24:00.001+08:00

Go and check out Muppet Show vidoes at youtube!

I miss Kermit!! He used to be my idol! :P

Here's my fave:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UPAcUfF04vA&mode=related&search=

..My Bro..

2007-05-24T18:10:00.000+08:00

I feel hype up this week though i feel tired and sleepy as well. My body been giving me a lot of trouble these couple of weeks. I'm still recovering from my attack, i'm having rashes for almost 3 weeks now. Not sure what's happening under my skin. Maybe it's rotting. Maybe it's decaying or something like that. Maybe all the maggot getting crowded and crowded inside my intestine. hahaha....

My brother came this weekend. I was very nervous meeting him. I felt that my brother was a stranger for me. I did plan how to open up our relationship again. In fact, he is a great person. It really feels good to have a brother again. We were separated for almost 10 years. He did his things and I did my things, seldom communicate with each other. I wonder can we maintain this realtionship? or is this jsut a one time thing? What should I do to keep everything in place?

Company trip to Bangkok 6th April 2007 - 9th April 2007

2007-05-15T15:17:00.000+08:00

At Changi. Going Bangkok with my company. (Not everybody went. so sad.)
(left-right: Me, Boss Tan, Jasmine, Tang Yao. Photo taken by Ah Tan)

3 Vain Bitches (Ah Tan, Me, Ah Zenn)

Me and Ah Tan

On the plane. 3 bitches nothing to do

The first thing reached Bangkok, EAT!!

This is how big their menu.

FOOD!!!!

.......One Night In Bangkok.......

.....Morning Ceremony....

3 Bithces after breakfast.

Cute..

SOOOOOO CUUUUUTTTTEEEEE!!!!!!!

The Tiny Chihuahua

The sleepy Pug. Even though i distrub him, he won't wake up...

Pomeranian. Very very tiny..

Bangkok's Chinatown!

Eat at MBK after tiring day of shopping.

One pretty baby at manicure shop

At lobby hotel

Us at restaurant

Us at plane

me on the plane.

Most of the time we shop in Bangkok. So we forgot to take picture of the events.

I'm Back

2007-05-14T16:49:00.000+08:00

Yeah,... I'm back... I know it's been a while since i vomit out something to this blog. I realised I can't write as good as last time. you can browse my blog and compare my recent posts and old posts. It's like 2 persons blogging. I read my own blog couple days ago.. actually that triggers me to write today. Hoping that I will be able to blog regularly again in the near future and throw every single thing out from my head to this blog.
Anyways,... been super duper busy this year. It is true that earlier on this year, my dad look into the book of 2007 for chinese astrology. I will be very busy, fall sick easily but having more money than last year. Believe it or not... it is true... hehe...

I just finished my first semester of my business management diploma course. it is hard. but the more i study, the more i want to study. I think it does matter who pays for the school fee. I have not make up my mind for continuing my study to take degree. Is it worth it for me? *sigh... reminding me that I am the only one in the family who does not have a degree though I will have double diploma.

I called my hip-auntie 2 dys ago. She asked my whether I have plans for my future. I said no. It's so sad not knowing your ouwn plan for your own future. I am always scared everytime I think about my future. I don't know what i want. I want the time to freeze as today. I don't expaect tomorrow. I always hope tomorrow never comes. I want to live in today forever.

Hm... let's avoid talking something serious. Hmmm.. I should upload some photos of me and my activites...
Ha.. I will upload some. Let's hope that I still have the urge to update my blog in order to upload my photos.. *hoping*

....soon to christmas....

2006-12-22T11:26:00.000+08:00

3 days to christmas.....
I'm amazed that this is the first time my emotion filled with full of expressions when I remember that christmas is coming. I found it weird. Seriously.
Oh well.... beside being broke for christmas, I managed to buy a present for someone who is not in a very good relationship with me. Hope this gift will make things better. I don't want to hope too high though... I'm scared that I would get disappointed by it.

Everything was okay for me all this year. Was a bit dodgy though during August and September, quit my job and being jobless and not able to go for study.
I went to work again for the same company. It was nice to come back to the same old familiar faces. But i is sucks when someone you care a lot is making a distance from you. I was upset. Damn upset about it when I know that she or he trust somebody else but you. Sad. Well, this is not heaven where everyhting is just perfect. This is earth where you try to get things perfect but it turned out not very good. I learnt something from this case though, Your good intention for someone may turn out to be fire that burn everything including yourself. Destroy everything including your close relationship with someone you care a lot. *sigh*

Despise all the shits that happened to me in this year, I managed to find other course which is more suitable for my "pocket" and I can pay it by myself. It will start on 8th January 2007. But I wont't turn up on my first day as I'll be away in Jakarta meeting my sis. Miss you sis!!

Just realized that I write again now. I've lost my skill of writing (as you can see how messy my wiritings on this post) and I dunno why it happened. Hmm... Hope that I'll never lost my acting skill...

My First Script After Months....

2006-07-31T14:40:00.000+08:00

30thJuly'06 around 8+pm I wrote this:

Actor sit on a chair CS facing 6o'clock. Talking to audience. Depressed, confused and irritated.
Ok!! Alright!! Just don't scream on my ear like that! You know I don't like it if people do that to me. I'm not deaf!!! I'm normal. So Talk to me like one.

silence.

So what do you want to know from me? You want to know what I want? I told you I don't even know what I want. Do you have another question? You've been asking me that for like.... months!! Yes I've been thinking about it. YES!! Yes! I've been asking my own self too! What do you want me to do?!?! Oh! Come on! Can you just stop asking me that? Alright! Yes! I know that! I know that I'm lost! I know that I've been living my life like a zombie! I know that I have to do something with my life! I know! I know every details that happened in my life! I know that my life is going no where now. I know!!!

silence.

I need you to guide me not to scold me just because I don't know what I want.
beat.
Alright! Let me explain to you once again about my situation. Just in case you already forgot about it. You know I already have steady job. I have stable income. But I've been dragging my feet to work for the past... half a year or so. I do not care about it as much as before and actually what I've been doing is just counting down to payday everyday. And for your information, this kind of life is sucks!
beat.
You think resigning is the best solution? Then what am i gonna do next? I have no degree that required if I want to find another job in other company. What am I gonna fill my stomach with if I resign?
beat.
What?!? Ask money from my parents? I am bloody 25 years old already. Where do you think you want me to my face? I am not retarded kid who can depend on my parents forever! And you think they will have their arms widely open for that idea? I don't think so!

silence.

I am fucked. I do not wish to continue this kind of life. I have to end it as soon as possible but I just don't know what to do! That is why I need you. You, as a person who understand me better than anyone else. Yes! You!
beat.
Do you think I want to be in this situation forever?!? Do you think I chose to be in this situation?!? No! I don't! I'm in a crossroad of my life and I'm trying to make a decision in my own time. So Stop screaming at me like I'm a deaf dog!!!

crying.

Stop asking me to stop crying!!! You just don't get me! Stop making me nervous living my own life!!!

silence.

I asked you to help me with my situation in the first place. But.... You've turned to become somebody that I don't even recognise. I thought you understand me. I thought you.... Oh nevermind...

stops crying.

I don't need you anymore. You're just making my situation worst. I don't want to make myself hating you.

stands.

I'm going....

walking towards USL. stops. turns to the audience.

Don't try to find me cos you won't find me. I'll come back when I figure out what I want and what I want to do with my life.
Thanks for everything.
See you again... maybe.

exit USL.

The script a bit retarded though but this is what i did the best. after months....

Pikiranku Waktu Melamun Di Johor

2006-06-27T22:28:00.000+08:00

Tanggal 24 Juni 2006. Di Malaysia, pinggiran Johor Bahru. Kalau orang bilang tepatnya di Sanglang. Farm Dia.

Aku lagi menikmati bunyi air di kolam. Kira-2 hampir pukul 6 sore. Burung-2 pun sudah aktif beterbangan diatas kolam mencari-2 ikan mati yang mengapung di air untuk jadi santapan. Kalau ada.
Teringat aku atas komentar adikku sendiri tentang cerita-2 misteri yang pernah aku karang dulu dan aku poublikasikan hanya ke adikku satu-2nya. Tersenyum sendiri aku. Padahal sudah hampir lupa aku. Kemana yah? Ah... mungkin sudah jadi sampah di suatu tempat yang aku tidak tahu.
Sudah tidak ingat lagi aku umur berapa aku karang itu semua. Mungkin sekitar umur 13 atau 14. Mungkin. Tak berbekas lagi di otakku. Ceritanya pun sudah samar-2.

Berarti benar. Soal seni seperti main drama mengarang dan sebagainya sudah mendarah daging bagiku. Drama pertama yang kumainkan saat aku berumur kurang lebih 9 tahun. Sebelumnya aku sudah mempunyai cerita sendiri yang kumainkan bersama adikku semata wayang. Boneka-2ku. Yah bonekaku adalah ceritaku waktu itu. Dua puluh boneka lebih,bersama-2 dengan adikku, aku beri nama. Tanggal lahir pun ada. Asal muasal mereka pun tidak ketinggalan. Ada jugalah perayaan-2 ulang tahun yang aku ciptakan.
Hah... lucunya sekarang kerjaku bukan bidang seni begituan. Lelah aku. Permasalahannya pastilah uang. Kadang aku berandai-2 kalau hidup bisa tanpa uang. Orang hanya hidup untuk mengejar kepuasan batin tanpa mementingkan uang... Indahnya!!! Kadang berandai-2 begini bisa juga mencipta senyum barang cuman sekejap. Kepuasan batin pun tercipta barang cuma sedetik atau dua.
Mungkin batinku kurang bisa menyeimbangi dengan hidup yang kurang aku inginkan. Aku perlu rehat. Ba.tinku sudah sakit. Aku sudah lebih sering marah-2 sendiri. Cemberut tak keruan. Kasihan orang-2 yang berada di sekelilingku. Mereka jadi suka salah tingkah tak tahu hendak berbuat apa kalau aku sedang kumat.

Sekaragn aku sudah di dalam mobil yang sedang melaju lumayan cepat. Perjalanan kembali menuju kota Johor Bahru. Waktu sudah pukul 6.25pm. Yah beginilah... kembali lagi ke rutinitas hidup. Besok, Minggu, dirumah. Cuci baju, Membersihkan rumah dan besok lusa sudah Senin. Kembali ke kesibukan kantor. Rutinitas! Benci aku mendengar kata itu! Benci dengan arti yang tersirat dari kata itu! aku mau kebebasan. Aku mau variasi. Tidak melakukan sesuatu yang itu-2 saja tiap hari. Entah kapan aku bisa menggapai impian itu. Sekali lagi... Semua tergantung berapa banyak uang yang kau kantongi. Semakin banyak uang, semakin banyak kesempatan yang kamu bisa dapat untuk bisameraih kebebasan yang kau idamkan. Ah... Hidup itu ternyata susah...

Adakah Kesempatan Di Muka Bumi Ini?

2006-06-20T16:27:00.000+08:00

15th June 2006 -+8pm.
Lagi nungguin Albert di deket Boat Quay. Tiba-2......
"Ni ke i ciang hwa yu ma?" tanyanya. Aku geleng-2.
"bu ke i ah?" tanyanya lagi. Geleng-2 lagi aku.
Mukanya bingung. Mungkin dia pikir ga bisa bahasa mandarin tapi ditanya kok jawab? Ah peduli setan.
"Do you use skin product?" tanyanya memakai bahasa inggris yang pas-an. Oh... orang Cina daratan dia...
"No I never used them." Jawabku agak sedikit kaku akibat masih kaget karena didatangi tiba-2.
"So what do you use to wash your face?" tanyanya kembang kempis akibat terbatasnya bahasa inggrisnya. Bukan main gigihnya orang ini. Masih berusaha mengenalkan barangnya meskipun hanya berbekal bahasa inggris yang pas-an.
"Normal soap"
Tercenung sejenak dia. Mungkin otaknya sedang bekerja menerjemahkan pertanyaan yang akan diajukan kepadaku dari bahasa mandarin ke bahasa inggris.
"If you buy skin product, you see the ingredient...blend..." tanyanya yang aku sendiri tidak mengerti.
Segera aku potong "Sorry I don't use skin product. I never buy it and I'm not interested in buying it."
"Oh thank you."
Kejamnya aku. Habisnya aku tahu kearah mana pembicaraan ini akan menuju. Daripada dia buang-2 tenaga menjelaskan degan bahasa inggris yang pas-an dan aku tidak tertarik, mending aku cut dulu saja. Dia tidak capai dan akupun senang.
Tapi kalau dipikir lagi, mungkin buntung buat dia bukan untung karena mungkin dia hanya ingin orang tahu barang sedikit tentang productnya. Mungkin dia hendak membuka kesempatan buat diri dia sendiri yang belum apa-2 sudah aku jegal.
Kalau dipikir-2 lagi apa boleh buat... Beginilah hidup. Orang saling jegal menjegal demi keuntungan pribadi. Aku yang sedang jenuh bekerja mungkin sedang meruntuhkan kesempatan perusahaanku untuk berkembang. Mungkin itu sebabnya teman kerjaku uring-2an beberapa hari ini. Dan semua orang disekitarnya kena semprot juga. Semua gara-2 aku....

Apa Kata Bumi Kalau Aku Bosan....

2006-06-12T23:15:00.000+08:00

Aku jenuh mengerti arti jenuh? Jenuh seperti minyak goreng yang sudah dipakai menggoreng berulang-2 sampai bewarna hitam. Atau bisa juga dibayangkan seperti air di dalam bong yang dipakai tiap hari untuk menghisap ganja dan tidak pernah diganti selama 2 tahun. Bisa bayangkan?
Otakku sepet. Seperti sisa kelapa parut yang sudah diperas berulang-2 sampai tidak ada lagi sari yang keluar. Aku kepingin tiba-2 dunia ini berhenti berputar. Mempersilahkan aku beristirahat baranse sebentar saja. Tapi mungkin bumi tidak bisa berhenti berputar. Atau mungkin dia tidak mengijinkan aku beristirahat.

"Hai sang bumi! kompromi sedikit kek! Beri aku waktu untuk ngaso! capek tauk! Barang semenit aja! huuu...!! Pelit!!"
"Aku harus pelit!" katanya. "Kalau tidak pelit nanti aku sendiri yang akan musnah dimakan jaman. Lihat dirimu.. itu akibat dari tidak pelit waktu! coba kau sedikit pelit waktu...Jadi serakah sedikit. Jangan mau kalah! Egois lebih banyak lagi biar tidak diinjak-2 orang. Lihat dirimu... diinjak-2 orang akibat terlalu murah hati. Terlalu mengiyakan segala sesuatu. Terlalu mengalah kalau ada persoalan. Jangan mau disalahi! Unjuk orang lain kalau disalahkan. Cari alasan kek! Sudah diinjak-2 dan kalah selalu kau mengalahkan aku."
"Lho... katanya aku disuruh unjuk orang lain kalau disalahkan. Sekarang aku menunjuk kamu malah kamu menyalahkan aku... Bagaimana sih!???!"
"Aku bilang bukan salahkan aku sang bumi. Tapi salahkan sejenismu manusia! Biar dunia ini ramai. Biar terjadi perang dimana-2. Biar aku cepat rusak dan mati. Aku sudah capai menjadi tempat tempahan orang-2 macam kamu."

Ah,... bumi pun bosan menemani aku bercengkrama. Bosan....

Kenangan dari Sepucuk Kertas di Pagi Hari

2006-06-08T17:00:00.000+08:00

Tadi pagi aku sedang bersiap-2 untuk pergi ngantor. Aku ambil tas coklat favoritku. aku rogoh isinya. sebuah kertas. Aku buka dan aku baca....

"Air mataku berurai saat sel-2 di otakku mulai menggambarkan rupa ragamu. Aku tak mengerti apakah ini pertanda kesenangan atau kesedihan. Dadaku terasa sakit disaat lagu tembagn cinta berkumandang di radio malam ini. Rupanya jiwaku merindukan sentuhan lembut cintamu. Kasih, kau telah menguasai seluruh duniaku, yang sadar maupun tidak sadar.
Aku, seorang gadis, yang hatinya telah ditempa manis pahit cinta, berpulang kembali kepada kenaifan alam. Kembali menaruh harapan bahwa cinta akan selalu berkelimpahan gelak tawa dan cumbu mesra. Keliru memang. Tapi aku telah dibutakan. Yah, memang itulah cinta. Buta.
Air mataku telah berhenti. Tetapi aku masih berkelanan di dunia tentangmu. Kau disana mungkin sedang bercengkrama dengan alam mimpi. Pernahkah malaikat mimpi membisikkan sesuatu tentangku kepadamu? Pernahkah sang rindu menyapamu ditengah hari yang tak menentu?
Malaikat mimpi dan sang rindu selalu mengusikku. Mereka tak henti-2nya menderaku dengan bisikan-2 tentangmu.
Pernahkah kau merenungi keadaan kita? Kau disana dan aku disini, berurai air mata karna sang rindu selalu datang mengusik.
Air mataku telah berhenti tetapi dadaku masih sakit. Aku berjanji kepada diriku sendiri tuk selalu menantikan kehadiranmu kembali disisiku, membisikkan kata-2 cinta di relung hatiku dan menghantarkan kecupan cinta di bibirku. Aku merindukanmu. Sungguh."

30thJanuary2006
1:50 am

Aku teringat. Ini kutulis saat aku berada jauh dari dia. cuma 2 minggu. Dahsyat benar pengaruh cinta terhadap diriku sampai bisa membuat aku membuat tulisan macam ini....
Aku melirik kearah dia yang masih tertidur nyenyak. Kukecup bibirnya.
"Pergi kerja dulu yah.." kataku sambil mengusap-2 rambutnya.
"hmm..." sahutnya tanpa membuka mata...

Satu Malam Minggu di Suntec

2006-06-07T17:48:00.000+08:00

3rd June'06 +-7pm (Suntec 3rd Floor Garden)

Aku dan dia duduk berdua menikmati malam minggu sambil mendengarkan musik lewat handphoneku yg sudah mutakhir.
Dia pergi sebentar. sakit perut katanya... aku melanjutkan mendengarkan musik dari handphoneku yg canggih. Lalu ada keinginan menulis.
Aku ambil buku dan pena. lalu menulis....

"Aku terduduk di tengah hutan beton pencakar langit. Matahari telah tertidur nikmatnya di ufuk barat. Bulan sudah menggantikan tugasnya.
Lampu-2 terlihat dari beton-2 yang menjulang keatas mencoba mencakar langit hitam. Mungkin dari asal lampu itu ada manusia-2 yang mungkin sedang dikuasai nafsu duniawi. Bekerja hingga larut malam begini demi sesuap nasi atau mungkin semi kesenangan fana.
Hidup pendek dan mungkin susah. Bukankah sebaiknya duduk tenang beristirahat menikmati suasana jika malam tiba? Apalagi ini malam minggu.
Akh... bukan urusanku lah.. Aku terduduk disini pun karna ingin melupakan sejenak pikiran-2 duniawi. Cuma alam yang bisa membuat manusia kembali sadar betapa besar kuasa Tuhan di dunia ini. Luar biasa tidak ada yang bisa menandingi.
Ah.. benar-2 sepi tempat ini. Apa orang tidak mengetahui tempat ini? atau mungkin orang-2 sudah tidak minta dengan ketenangan yang ditawarkan alam? Apa mungkin mereka lebih memilih shopping dilantai bawah gara-2 great singapore sale.
Aduuhh!! Bukan urusanku! mengapa otak ini........."

Dia balik. Aku terkejut karena kehadirannya yang tiba-2. Musnah semua kata-2 yang tadi hendak kutulis.
"sudah?" tanyaku iseng
"sudah. lagi nulis apaan?" tanyanya kepingin tahu.
"bukan urusan lu lah.." Jawabku asal. Dia pun tak ada keinginan mencari tahu. Kami kembali duduk mendengarkan musik......

Fort Minor - Where'd you go

2006-04-01T15:48:00.000+08:00

Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.

She said "Some days I feel like shit,
Some days I wanna quit, and just be normal for a bit,"
I don't understand why you have to always be gone,
I get along but the trips always feel so long,
And, I find myself tryna stay by the phone,
'Cause your voice always helps me when I feel so alone,
But I feel like an idiot, workin' my day around the call,
But when I pick up I don't have much to say,
So, I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin',
Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career,
Me and the rest of the family here singing "Where'd you go?"

I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...

You know the place where you used to live,
Used to barbeque up burgers and ribs,
Used to have a little party every Hallowe'en with candy by the pile,
But now, you only stop by every once in a while,
Shit, I find myself just fillin' my time,
Anything to keep the thought of you from my mind,
I'm doin' fine, I plan to keep it that way,
You can call me if you find you have somethin' to say,
And I'll tell you, I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin',
Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career,
Me and the rest of the family here singing "Where'd you go?"

I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...

I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', no longer debatin',
Tired of sittin' and hatin' and makin' these excuses,
For while you're not around, and feeling so useless,
It seems one thing has been true all along,
You don't really know what you got 'til it's gone,
I guess I've had it with you and your career,
When you come back I won't be here and you'll can sing it...

Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...

me... decide things...

2006-03-15T17:12:00.000+08:00

It's been 6 months since i update this blog. No time? not really. Just don't feel like writing anything on this blog. I am still writing. On a piece of papers which I don't know where it's located now. I don't care. What I wrote was my temporary feeling which I don't want anybody who knows my read it.
Well,...a lot to tell between these 6 months yet i don't know what to tell besides my mom who nag everyday asked me to end my relationship with MINE. I just don't get it. I know how she feel. I understand how she think. What's o her mind. But can't just let me decide on anything in my life..? Can I decide on this one matter?

aku terlanjur..

2005-09-13T23:00:00.000+08:00

aku sudah pernah bilang berkali-2 sampai pegal urat-2 di sekitar mulutku. Kalau aku tidak suka jatuh cinta. Aku benci jatuh cinta. Jatuh cinta itu hanya membikin repot saja. Membuat hidup manusia yang semestinya tidak rumit menjadi runyam. membuat jidatku yg mulus menjadi berkerut.

Bukan maksudku juga untuk jatuh cinta. aku terperangkap oleh umpan bajingan laknat yg sekarang hatiku mencintainya. susah aku dibuatnya. hatiku menjadi banyak sekali cabikan-2 luka yang bajingan itu goreskan.

aku ingin sekali memanjat dinding jurang cinta. tapi terlalu licin oleh kasih. aku coba berkali-2 tetapi semakin aku mencobanya, semakin dalam aku terperosok jurang cinta yang semakin dalam dan semakin pekat. Hangat. kuakui itu. tetapi terlalu pekat. itu mengapa org bilang cinta itu buta.

kini aku hanya bisa diam didasar jurang cinta. aku telah terlanjur jatuh cinta. bila sudah waktunya nanti mungkin aku akan mati didalam dasar jurang ini karena mungkin dengan waktu, dinding jurang itu atau bahkan dasar jurang itu sendiri tempat dimana aku berpijak, akan mengeluarkan titik titik racun benci yg dengan demikian cepat, menjalar ke seluruh sel di dalam badan dan otakku.

knock...knock

2005-09-02T01:31:00.000+08:00

girl: -knock knock-

Boy: "Yes?"

Girl: "I'm here."

Boy: "Yes?"

Girl: "I'm here. Waiting..."

Boy: "Yes?"

Girl: "Nothing. Just to inform you.."

I fall in love again

2005-08-26T11:48:00.000+08:00

Aku jatuh cinta lagi.
Untuk kesekian kali.
Jatuh cinta lagi padamu.
Biar bulan jadi saksi tangisku dimalam hari.
Dan angin malam membawa bisikanku ke telingamu
yang tak mungkin dapat kau dengar
karna mungkin pintu telinga hatimu
tidak memperdulikan sang angin malam.

From Internet

2005-07-20T00:48:00.000+08:00

This is what I get from internet:

1) 94% of men lie about their penis size.According to condom manufacturers, only 6% ofmen use extra large condoms.
2) The average man is 5 inches long when erect(no matter what you have heard ladies, that's thetruth).
3) 80% of American men are uncircumsized. Eventhough Pediatrics say it is not necessary.
4) No matter what all the ads say, nothing canmake your penis grow but time (most men reachthe end of their growth by the early 20's)
5) There is no correlation between penis size andshoe size, hand size, or nose size.
6) Blue balls does exist! It's technicallycalled "prostatic congestion."
7) Only 16% of men shave their privates.

Some stuff on the ladies------------------------------
1) Only 9% of women around the globe considerthemselves "attractive" (20% of British women do).43% of women use the term "natural", 24% saythey have "average" looks, 8% prefer theterm "feminine", 7% say they are "good looking",and 7% say they are "cute", and finally only 2% ofwomen say they are "sexy".
2) An estimated 85% of women wear the wrongsize bra.
3) 60% of women have had breast implants.
4) 75% of women dont like oral sex
5) 95% of women shave their privates.

Both--------------------------------
1) Masturbation is healthy for both men andwomen.
2) 70% of highschoolers have had sex before theyhave graduated. 27% loose their virginity seniorprom night. Only 3% wait until marriage.
3) 95% of men would have sex with a girl after 1month of dating. Only 10% of women feel this way.

5 Reasons Why Sex is Good---------------------------------------------
1) It is a good workout. Sex burns about 150calories every half an hour of it. It will lower yourcholesterol and improve breathing circulation.
2) You won't get sick. According to research if youhave sex 1-2 times a week you are less likely toget sick.
3) You'll feel happier. You will feel a greater senseof well-being. Women who have more sex wereclinically proven to be less depressed than womenwho dont have sex.
4) Makes you look better- [ problem is ugly peopledon`t get any ]. Sex releases hormones in yourbody which make your skin and hair softer andshinier and tone your physic.
5) (The best reason) You will live longer. Studiesprove that sex makes you live longer. Men whohad sex 1-2 times a week had half the death rateas those who did not indulge themselves at leastonce a month. It also makes you look younger. If you have sex 3 times a week you may look up to10 years younger than you really are.

Did You Know----------------------------------------
1) Having sex 3 times a week for 1 year adds up to running 75 miles!!!!

($#_(#$&#($&#@_(#&

2005-07-11T00:14:00.000+08:00

FUCK!!!!!!!!!! what are you thinking about huh? ignore me? alright!!! ignore me whenever u want!! go ahead! FUCK YOU!!! I hate u for this!!!

funny

2005-07-10T22:26:00.000+08:00

try this

The moon and me

2005-07-07T23:36:00.000+08:00

The moon shines up there everynight. Loks like it's waiting for something or maybe someone. Everyone's wishing to it. Wish about their dream. I asked the moon, "don't you get tired of listening to all the wishes?"
the moon says,"No. They are all beautiful. That is what i wait every night. I wait for them to whisper me their wishes"
"Then what do you do to it?"
"I will send them a star as a sign that their wish has comes true. That's why the stars are so beautiful and everytime you see the stars, you'll know that your wish has come true."
"Then how come I don't feel that my wish has come true?"
"Sometimes people are too blind to see a little good thing that happen in them. You must learn how to appreciate even a very little good thing that you have. You'll see the stars shines even brighter than you've ever seen"
"Why do you only appear at night when the sky are dark?"
"Because only at night most people feel sad. And when people feel sad, They wish about something. Night is not as wonderful without those stars."

weird

2005-06-07T15:41:00.000+08:00

It's common for people to be in a deep dilemma. So do I now. I'm having one.... Yes I have everything now. But somehow, Some of them is not what I want... Actually, Not really what I do not want but Everything that I prefer. Those are very different. When you get what you want, you'll be happy. But if you only get what you prefer, you'll have rather neutral feeling. neither sad or happy. I'm in that situation. Understand?

I do not know what to to to get out from this situation. I was thinking, if I get out from this situation, Someone might get hurt. Whoever he or she is. I myself is one of them. *sigh...

I'm going back to Jakarta late of this month though. However, like what I said, I'm neither sad or happy. owh whatever. I'm just waiting for something will happen to me....

me?

2005-05-31T01:40:00.000+08:00

I want to scream
to break the emptiness,
The silent of this night.
I want to get out
from this fake face of life,
wear my own face to live.
Why do people wear those mask?
a mask that don't fit them.
Wear those fake smile,
when inside their heart,
They are crying.....
When inside their mind,
They are cursing....
Life is just a drama
where everybody play their role.
And I don't want to be one of them.
I want to be me!
The true me on stage!

Untitled - Simple Plan

2005-05-11T11:05:00.000+08:00

I open my eyes
I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light
I can’t remember how
I can’t remember why
I’m lying here tonight

And I can’t stand the pain
And I can’t make it go away
No I can’t stand the pain

How could this happen to me
I've made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Everybody’s screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I’m slipping off the edge
I’m hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can’t explain what happened
And I can’t erase the things that I’ve done
No I can’t

How could this happen to me
I've made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

I've made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

what?!?!?!?!

2005-04-29T00:28:00.000+08:00

*took a cigs*
*lighted it on*
ppuufff.....
aaahhhhh....

my brain is keep on going and my eyes keep on staring. looking at the ATM receipt. it's bloody 2 dollars in my bank account and 20 bucks in my wallet. and i need to survive tomorrow.hmm...

*cheking out the fridge*

i'm still lucky... my magic water (read:wine) is in it. so tomorrow at least i have something to chill out with...

*checking out the drawer*

need to choose what movie to watch tomorrow night since I definitely dun have enough bucks to spend tomorrow. just banked in the cheque though but need to ride a bloody bus to go KL on saturday.
MAN!!! from tomorrow onwards i need to create my own account book. bloody hell! my money just went missing like that seems like evaporated with all the air cos the sun these few days shone like nobody business!
*looking at the sky wanted to talk to the sun, evethough there is no sun here now* HEY!!!! i need a cooling weather these couple of days! can you lower down your heat??? what the heck!?!?!

need to squeeze my brain how to make more money. *sigh* in order to make more money i need to learn something. in order to learn something i need to attend a school. in order to attend a school i need to pay for the classes. in order to pay the classes, I NEED MONEY!@!! F*CK!!!!!

okay guys... any idea????? damn....

You...

2005-04-12T16:44:00.000+08:00

There is a sky above my head,
far above me.
I wanted to reach it,
But i failed.
I fell to the ground.
You came to me with your smile,
Dried my tears away,
Covered my scars,
And hold me tight in your arms.
You made me smile
And give me hope.
And with your eyes you said
"You will always be there,
Giving me hope"

NEW LIFE NEW AGE and NEW HAIRCUT!!!

2005-03-18T12:30:00.000+08:00

I'm no longer in long hair. Short hair now. but nice though, some people said sweet *like candy????* some people said i look 5 years younger.*of cos without my cigarette!!* I like my new hairstyle, seems like i go back to last year where everything was still alright.

I'm alright actually. I look like last year but now I am even a stronger person than i ever be. I let people to hurt me but I let my heart grow stronger. I do not hate those who had hurted me so much. In fact, I want to thank them. Thank you for some good time that you had given to me. Thank you for giving my heart a chance to grow stronger.

I miss those good time though. I can't feel it again but it will always stays in my memory. I can only smile whenevr that memories come up to the surface. I can't deny that I miss you. But my heart said I need to move on. I'm moving on. That is why I'm trying very hard for the last few days to hold myself for a while. Thinking what we had done, Claming myself and learn how to walk again. I was walking with you, you held my hands so that i would not fall. But that time, you ran away from me suddenly. I fell. I cried. But I do not give up. I can walk myself without anybody holding me. Thank you for making my legs of life stronger. Thank you for waking me up from my dream. Thank you for everything that you gave me. I will see you maybe one day. But when the day come, I will be very much stronger than I am now.

And now all is over

2005-03-06T23:21:00.000+08:00

"it's not you. It's just... I'm seeing someone and it's not fooling around. what we're doing will stop."

Goodbye. I'll just wait for you here. If that someone ever hurts you, you can turn around and have a shoulder to cry on. I'll be here and I try to be happy for you. You'll see me cry maybe. But just ignore me. Soon it'll be over. Or maybe it wont be over.

Too many memory in my head about you. I will need some times to erase it. Everything. Cos I am trying to prevent my eyes from crying, hold all my tears and re-create the smile on my face. The scar that you gave me wont heal. It can't be healed with anything. It will still bleed forever.
Those memory in my head are like an endless video tape playing on my brain. It is the hardest thing to move on. So hard until I have to bang my head on the wall to make the pictures go blur. the pain makes my heart stop and strangles my neck to stop breathing. I want to die. So that you can live happy without me annoying you. I'll die in a very peaceful way. I wont let you know about it. And i'll tell everybody not to tell you that I die. I want you to be happy. I'm happy to die cos I do not want to feel the broken heart which is the scariest thing for me to feel. I'll die cos I do not want to see you with her. Send my regards to your friends that know me before. I wont be around you and tell them that you've hurted me so bad.

Goodbye. I am still hoping that you realise how much I love you. Love, is the words that i never say to you cos you didn't want me to say it to you. You know.. I said this everytime I see your face, everytime you slept beside me. And everytime I'm thinking about you. I love you. That what i was trying to say all this time.

Love is so painful. It will not be painful if I die. GOODBYE.

When I was in Jakarta

2005-02-26T22:06:00.000+08:00

MY BELOVED PARENTS

Vina and Me (Best Friends FOREVER!)

My Cutie Lil' Cousin and Me

The boy and the girl

2005-02-15T16:45:00.000+08:00

Boy: "Why do you look so sad?"

Girl: "Nothing."

Boy: "Is there anything to do about me?"

Girl: "Yes."

Boy: "Then tell me..."

Girl: "Do you think that I'm still exist in your life?"

Boy: "..."

Girl: " Just tell me if I'm no longer exist in your life. I will accept it eventhough it's hard for me. I will be very sad but I will never disturb you again. I will never miss you again eventhough it's impossible for me. But I will try not to even think about you again. Please tell me. Cos I want to be free from this uncertain feeling about you."

Boy: "..."

Girl: "You don't play a fair game. I do play the fair game but not you. I was expecting it from you but it never happened. I'm tired of this game and eventualy I'm tired of you..."

friends forever

2005-02-06T16:08:00.000+08:00

just got together with my friends again last night. went to a pub, played pool, and when it came to the end of the night, we hug each other. three of us. Karina, Me and Edwin. Karina will go back Jakarta tomorrow for 6 months, Edwin will go back Jakarta in three months time for good, and I will stay here. When i hug them, i almost cried. I treated them like part of my soul. They are the best people in the world that i ever met. They're always on my side during happy and sad. And when they're gone, I'll have no one to turn to.
I hugged them last night and think that we will never be like this anymore. Enjoying the night together, laughter filled the room, nonsense conversation that i will miss forever.
I know that this friendship will last forever but i will miss them a lot cos i'm so used to be around them.
Goodbye my friends, hope that we will still meet each other. You guys will always be on my mind forever and i will never forget the times we've spent together. I will be very sad of course, but i still have to let you go for your own good. Continue your life guys, and please come back here. I will miss you guys a lot.

I can't make you love me

2005-01-22T01:43:00.000+08:00

"do you actually love him?" she asked
"yes eventually..." I sighed
"then?"
"then... i think i should lern how to let him go..."
"why?"
"why? because... i can't make him to love me" I cried
"have you ever really tried it before?"
"yes." I said while playing a song.........

Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize
Don't patronize me

'Cause I can't make you love me If you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark in these final hours
I will lay down my heart, and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
And I can't make you love me
If you don't

I'll close my eyes and then I won't see
The love you do not feel, when you're holding me
Morning will come, and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then, to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

I cried.............

And I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
And here in the dark in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no, you won't
And I can't make you love me
If you don't

Ain't no use in you trying
It's no good for me baby without love
All my tears, all these years, everything I believed in
Baby
Oh yeah
Someone's gonna love me

"do you love him that much?" she asked again
"eventually...." i said. Still crying
"and eventually you feel what love is"
"and eventually it's not really pleasant enough to feel."
"well..."
"well... i'm trying to let him go. cos i can't make him to love me."
I walked away from her with a broken heart and tears kept flowing on my cheek.
"and i hope someone else will love me. i really hope that he loves me....." I shouted.

Tattva - Kula Shaker

2005-01-19T18:24:00.000+08:00

Tattva,
acintya bheda bheda tattva (4 times)
Like the flower and the scent of summer,
like the sun and the shine
Well the truth may come in strange disguises
Send the message to your mind

Tattva,

acintya bheda bheda tattva (4 times)
At the moment that you wake from sleeping

and you know its all a dream

Still at the office. I know i should go back home by this time but i just don't have the feeling of going back....

I like the song that i play on my comp now. Destress kind of feeling.....

hmmmm maybe i should buy books. yup! and i think i have to go now....

sneeze......... cough

2005-01-05T13:25:00.000+08:00

*sneeze*
*sneeze*
Bleah.... nose blocked and my throat is damn painful now. hope nothing happened to me. if something happens........ what should i do? i'm a ghost these several days. i dun have enough sleep, become alcoholic, and now blur....

went for interview last night at a pub.*you guys must be thinking what i expect you guys will think of* for Promotor position *actually this name is only to make this job sounds not too bad* basically i need to talk to customer and ask them to open a bottle of spirit or whiskey and those kind of liquor. if they want me to drink with them, i need to drink with them. that's my job scope. *told you promotor sounds too good*

Relax guys! this job is only my part time job! i will start on thursday adn i can work everyday if i want. but i won't. i still love my kidney and heart and liver. i don't want to lose them now.

*cough*
*cough*
*hold neck*
bleah my lung feels very dry. and my eyes feel very heavy for me to keep them open. my face look very tired and i'm having coffee hoping that my eyes will be a little bit lighter. just my hope. whoah! i think i need to take a nap.

New Year wishes

2004-12-31T13:43:00.000+08:00

First of all and it must be the first one to say today is: Happy New Year to everyone who read my blog.

I was sitting at the office, did my work, sent email to my customer and keep typing the same thing in the end of the mail : "Happy New Year".
Suddenly crossed my mind the thought of new year wishes. Never thought of it before. maybe i was too busy thinking how to get part time job that i like and how to make my financial life more stable. Hmmm.... it could be my first and the most important wish for next year. To be healtier? stop smoking? hmm.... i've been saying this to myself everyday. but nothing has been done. to..... be faithful? ha ha ha ha..... nonsense wish. i can't think of something for my wishes.

still sitting here in my office. ahhh!!!! next wish!!! never ever write again with the first sentence of:"still sitting here in blah blah blah... " or " here i am in blah blah blah..." don't you guys realise that i always begin almost every blog by these sentence. i knew abt it long ago but that's the fact. i can't write like: "here i am walking on the beach blah blah blah...." cos when i'm walking on the beach i can't type anything on my laptop and i can't type when i can't feel it. so anything that you read on my blog is whatever feeling that i feel.

I know that most of you who read my blog would think that "this girl had got no life" or maybe " this girl doesn't know how to mae life happier" i can't write when i feel happy. i can jump, i can scream, i can laugh but not writting. For my writting is something that i have to feel more. And when i'm sad i can't talk, and i can't do anything except for crying and writting. So everyone who read this blog, thank you for your time to listen to my heart. thank you is you understand how i feel. thank you for giving me support on my shoutbox. thanks for everything.

today is the end of this year and i wanna leave behind my immature habit, my sleeping disorder, i wanna live happier *if i can but must!* i want to be more mature*and i still dunno what is the meaning of immature and mature* hope i can make people around me happy*and i still dunno what is the definition of happy* I want to travel around the world*evethough i know that is a bit impossible for next year*

That's all folks! this will be my last post for this year. Again, Happe New Year everyone! see you guys again next year! and i really mean next year!

Dance With my Father - Luther Vandross

2004-12-28T02:50:00.000+08:00

I MISS MY PAPAH!!!!

Back when I was a child,
before life removed all the innocence
My father would lift me high
and dance with my mother and me and then
Spin me around til I fell asleep
Then up the stairs he would carry me
And I knew for sure I was loved

If I could get another chance, another walk, another dance with him
I'd play a song that would never, ever end
How I'd love, love, love
To dance with my father again

When I and my mother would disagree
To get my way, I would run from her to him
He'd make me laugh just to comfort me
Then finally make me do just what my mama said
Later that night when I was asleep
He left a dollar under my sheet
Never dreamed that he would be gone from me

If I could steal one final glance, one final step, one final dance with him
I?d play a song that would never, ever end
Cause I'd love, love, love
To dance with my father again

Sometimes I'd listen outside her door
And I'd hear how my mother cried for him
I pray for her even more than me
I pray for her even more than me

I know I'm praying for much too much
But could you send back the only man she loved
I know you don't do it usually
But dear Lord she's dying
To dance with my father again
Every night I fall asleep and this is all I ever dream

Merry christmas!

2004-12-25T17:41:00.000+08:00

woke up at 3 pm today *hehehehe* had a gggooooooooooddddd sleep last night! dreamless sleep *which i prefer everynight* i am still sleepy though! planning to pamper myself today. forget everything that had been bother me this whole year. put my feet in warm water inside my aircon room..... ice chocolate on my left hand and my new book on my right hand *actually not my book. i borrowed it from my friend* aaahhhhhh sounds nice and it makes me even more sleepy now.... hahahhahaa

I'm gonna start another book by Paulo Coelho. this guy from somewhere in brasil *this is how it spells according to the girl in the book* i think. cos the new book is really in detail in brasil. correct me if i'm wrong buddy. cos i dunno much abt this guy except for his writting that is light yet interesting *since english is only my second language*

So Happy Christmas everyone! I played pool last night. quite good for a girl named Nina. hehehe... my double corner shot was good and my placing for the ball was excellent. and i dunno which Lucky God was on my side last night... hope he knows and will be on my side everytime i play pool. especially when i play pool with my other friend whom i never win over everytime we play! see you in the future buddy! i will not give you even a chance! i will not give you face to the ppl just next our table! I will! hate it whenever i have to play pool with you! but you're my best buddy.... so what i supposed to do? *since singapore doesn't have any other interesting things to do besides get drunk and movie*

Again Happy Christmas everyone! i hope u guys had a wonderful christmas eve last night! those in singapore.... maybe you guys were stuck in orchard.... heheh and others in diff country..... i dunno....
For my boss Peter Tan and My Dearest Collegue Diana Chung! Thanks for your companion in the office, stupid funny jokes that you guys always made everyday, for the lunch time and everything. hope you guys keep supporting me in the future!

christmas and love

2004-12-22T01:48:00.000+08:00

I plan this christmas to be the most beautiful christmas in my life. i know we will never go anywhere. just stay at home spend the time together. maybe i'll cook or maybe we can watch movie on tv or we can just hug the whole day.
it will be a very wonderful christmas it will ever be.

this is will be a very first christmas i can spend with someone i care. someone that fills my heart. someone i love. and this is the very first christmas that i can feel what is love. very first christmas i fall in love.

love is wonderful. very wonderful indeed. to have someone that fills my brain everytime. i can really cry for someone. cry for loving someone. wonderful cos i can let go my imagine. put my finger in a very high blue sky. feel the warm from the sun through my skin. feel the cold of the wind blowing my hair.

this christmas will be a very wonderful christmas in my life. feels like the whole world is celebrating the day for me. me, someone who can feel love for the very first time and understand why ppl say love is wonderful. love is very wonderful indeed.

this christmas will be a very wonderful day in my life and love is the sweetest thing that i ever feel. but it's all just on my mind...............................

i thought...

2004-12-20T17:47:00.000+08:00

It' been far away than i thought.
My heart for you is indefinite.
I thought i could control
but i just can't.
I love you
more than i thiought i could.
So i will let it be
even you've hurted me many times
I'll just keep quiet
keep my feelings insidde
and continue to love you.
I will not think again
and will just let my heart
control everything.

Lately - Stevie Wonder

2004-12-19T03:58:00.000+08:00

This song is just perfect to express my feeling........................

Lately, I have had the strangest feeling
With no vivid reason here to find
Yet the thought of losing you's been hanging
'round my mind

Far more frequently you're wearing perfume
With you say no special place to go
But when I ask will you be coming back soon
You don't know, never know

Well, I'm a man of many wishes
Hope my premonition misses
But what I really feel my eyes won't let me hide
‘Cause they always start to cry
‘Cause this time could mean goodbye

Lately I've been staring in the mirror
Very slowly picking me apart
Trying to tell myself I have no reason
with your heart

Just the other night while you were sleeping
I vaguely heard you whisper someone's name
But when I ask you of the thoughts your keeping
You just say nothing's changed

Well, I'm a man of many wishes
I hope my premonition misses
But what I really feel my eyes won't let me hide
‘Cause they always start to cry
‘Cause this time could mean goodbye, goodbye

Oh, I'm a man of many wishes
I hope my premonition misses
But what I really feel my eyes won't let me hide
‘Cause they always start to cry
‘Cause this time could mean goodbye

Anything for you

2004-12-18T03:21:00.000+08:00

I'm mad. Sitting alone at night, crying hell a lot of tears. this is just not me. I'm supposed to be a very tough girl like what everybody said. "nina is a very tough girl." "nina is a playgirl." "nina ah? nina is a heartless girl."
Am i like that? then, why am i crying now? why am i feeling very sad now? listening all the broken heart song and cry? this is me at home, away from any eyes that could see me apart from my dog. a mute witness.

I'm crying i think because of what people say "in love". and i fell in love with someone that i can't be with. can i fall in love?
why people said love is a wonderful thing? if it's a wonderful thing, then why am i in tears now? is it wrong for me to fall in love? is love just not for me? why am i feeling damn blue?

"I'd still do anything for you
I'll play your game.
you hurt me through and through
but you can have your way..."

you hurt me through and through but here i am still in love with you and i am here still with tears on my cheek crying out loud for loving you. and here i am waiting for your love.

"I can pretend each time i see you
that i don't care and i don't need you
though inside i feel like dying
but you can never see me crying..."

maybe you don't know that i love you so much. but yes i love you like there's no tomorrow. I'll keep it in my heart cos i'm too proud to show it to you. And i know i'm crying for loving you. why do i have to love you?

"I hope you find someone to please you
someone who care and never leave you
but if that someone ever hurt you
you just might need a friend to turn to..."

And i know you're maybe in love with someone else but my heart just can't let me love somebody else. so i'll just stay. here. waiting for you in tears. and again why do i have to love you.... this much?

"i'd do anything for you
I'll give you up
if that's what i should do
to make you happy..."

I have to be strong and give you up. though i have to cry. and here i am AGAIN. crying. trying to just let you go. i'm trying to convince myself that everything will be all right eventhough i have to go through the tearfull night everyday.
I will let you go. eventhough my heart still want to stay here wait for your love.

difference....

2004-12-17T13:42:00.000+08:00

I was in the middle of the crowd last night. All the strangers with the smile on their face. I don't know what happen behind that smiles. maybe they're happy or just to cover their sorrow. I was in the middle of the crowd, sitting while they were dancing. sitting and drinking and smoking. Yes i smoke again. and i don't know how should i feel about going back to become a smoker. that fucking nicotine just won't let me go. it's an expensive hobby here in Singapore. Very expensive indeed.

I have to go back to that crowd. i was in the middle of the crowd. surrounded by the wall and named the place China Black. I was there last night. i realise it was a long time ago since the last time i was there. me and my girl friends. sitting around, drinking, dancing and checking out all the guys. couldn't imagine that it's almost 2 years. i was still remember the first day i came to Singapore. did time pass so fast? or i just don't realise that time is actually running. i don't know.

The crowd. it was damn full of people yet i felt lonely. i can feel the fake happiness filled the air pictured through the fake smiles. i was bored. bored with fakeness fillied in the air. all my life is full of fakeness as well. how phatetic human being can make a living in the fakeness. as well as myself. does anybody realise it? or they're too not sensitive about this matter. i don't know as well. the most immportant thing is at least i can feel it and i'm trying to get out from this matter.

i'm reading a book right now. titled "Veronika decides to die" by Paulo Coelho. it's a very good book and makes me thing that if i want to get out from this fakeness matter which people find it common, i will be different from them and if i'm different from them, they will think that i'm insane. insane, mad or what it is supposed to be called is just an excuse for people to make the whole world become more predicted as human being is so lazy to accept different things in their life.

the music

2004-12-14T11:20:00.000+08:00

Sitting here in my office, stacks of mails on my left, and my cd player on my right and my ears are absorbing the words from the music that i'm listening to.
just can't imagine i end up inside this building called office not in a huge old one called theatre. maybe this is how my life should go. maybe no matter what i studied, i will end up like this.

"love me, love me, say that you love me..... need me, need me, just say that you need me..."
yah just say that you love me and need me. you messaged me, said that you'll come tonight. i was happy for a while, but i press that feeling. thinking about something else to occupy my brain. i don't want to be too happy. i want to forget that you said you want to come tonight. i forget it. and now i forgot about it.

Still trying to make myself busy by typing this blog. yeah look so busy with my hand crawling on the keyboard, hitting all the things trying to make a word out of it. my brain is squeezed trying to find a right word to put for this sentence. tired. tired of waiting. tired of making myself as if i'm okay. as if there's nothing wrong with my life and as if all the people likes me with no exceptional.

Yes, all looks wonderful. i wake up in the morning, go to work, at night i can do whatever i like and whatever i want.
Someone called last night, asking me to join his company as a model. photo model. and i asked myself, i don't think i can do it. i just can't express myself in front of camera if there is somebody else looking at me behind or not behind the camera. and all the photo that i have i took myself. whatever....i would rather be the make-up artist and make people looks good no matter how ugly they are inside.

and...?

2004-12-12T21:17:00.000+08:00

In my room, alone, feel bloated with my yellow lighting fiiled up the room, I'm thinking. I realise that tomorrow is my first day at work. and i get irritated by my lousy laptop with fucked up keyboard. Thinking when can i get enough money to buy a new one. but then thinking when can i get enough money to just support myself... and my dog.... hope the routine that i get later makes me more mature in everything.

a whole new world tomorrow is gonna start. a whole new world that i never imagine myself in before. the word "my office" is never ever crossed my mind before and tomorrow i will make myself get use to that word. I feel very lost now. Tired, irritated and angry towards..... i dunno....
sad to know that i have to do what i should do. not what i want to do. sad that i can't get what i want and have to let go everything that i love.

My stomach is burning now. feel like i'm gonna throw up but just can't throw up. something tickling inside melt my weak heart and squeeze my tears out. wash away all my happiness and throw it to the darkness of loneliness. i hate being lonely but everything just sealed me in the empty corner of the world. no sound, no lights, no one, no hope. i feel hopeless to myself and i start to think that maybe this is my fate to be lonely in this world. losing all the things i love and someone that i thought i will die to live without. i lost everything. empty.

playing a soft music on my CD player. This song just remind me to two persons that i never seen before. never touch before but i cared before. so sorry that i never give them a change for everything. so sorry that i have to do all those things.
I'm crying now for them. hope you forgive me.

realise that this room is so pack yet felt empty. those clothes that you used to wear, the towel that you used to use, you comb and all things that's yours stare at me asking where are you. I don't know! don't ask me! don't you ever think that i never love you. but i'll try to be happy when you find someone else. someone who will love you and never leave you. i will try to keep my tears away from spilling. but will still cry not in front of you.

now my head pounding like there's a thousand pound stone inside. heavy and pain. and makes my heart shattered. feel like crying even more but just can't afford to do it again.
maybe i need to sleep. or bury myself into a book. *sigh....

STUCK ON YOU - Lionel Richie

2004-12-08T19:51:00.000+08:00

Stuck on you
I've got this feeling down deep in my soul that I just can't lose
Guess I'm on my way
Needed a friend
And the way I feel now I guess I'll be with you 'til the end
Guess I'm on my way
Mighty glad you stayed

I'm stuck on you
Been a fool too long I guess it's time for me to come on home
Guess I'm on my way
So hard to see
That a woman like you could wait around for a man like me
Guess I'm on my way
Mighty glad you stayed

Oh, I'm leaving on that midnight train tomorrow
And I know just where I'm going
I've packed up my troubles and I've thrown them all away
Cause this time little darling
I'm coming home to stay

I'm stuck on you
I've got this feeling down deep in my soul that I just can't lose
Guess I'm on my way
Needed a friend
And the way I feel now I guess I'll be with you 'til the end
Guess I'm on my way
I'm mighty glad you stayed

my wish...

2004-12-01T18:48:00.000+08:00

woohooo!!! i'm HOMESICK!!!! sick of living alone.
and i miss the time when i was still a little girl. mom will cook for me, dad will tell me stories, my grandma will laugh with me.
i miss the feeling of being surrounded by the people who love me, who care about me.
I wanna to go back to my parent's house!!!!

Matchbox 20 - Unwell

2004-11-26T21:06:00.000+08:00

All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why

[Chorus]

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me

I'm talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I've lost my mind

[Chorus]

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

I've been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away

[Chorus]

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

Yeah, how I used to be
How I used to be
Well, I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be
I'm just a little unwell

bah...

2004-11-25T01:01:00.000+08:00

i reached home with an empty hand. no cigarette and no wallet. I quit smoking. it's been 4 days already and i have to say goodbye for my wallet as well. i knew something bad will happened to me when i decided to go orchard this afternoon. if it wasn't because of mom i'll never go.

i went to orchard to take my dad's document and supposed to send it to Jakarta. but in the end i didn't send it. i realised that my wallet was not with me when i wanted to pay the mail fee. i was so upset, panic, and blur. i walked out from the post office, just walked with no direction tried to think with my suddenly stop brain and cried. i stood and cried just beside the christmas tree. how ironic can it be. i didn't cry cos it's almost christmas. i cried for my damn fucking lost wallet. i called my friend (still crying) then i called immigration regarding of my fucking lost social visit pass ans called my dad to let him know that i lost both the credit card. one of it silver and one of it gold. called my bank abt my lost atm card as well. so fucking lot things to do tomorrow.

when i lost my wallet one thing crossed my mind. i have no money at all. walking ard like a ghost with an empty stomach. thanks to my friend who picked me up and brought me for dinner. thanks to him that he lent me couple of bucks just in case i might need it. thanks for everything my friend! GOD bless you! i can't do anything in return but i know GOD will.

waiting

2004-11-22T02:15:00.000+08:00

Waiting and waiting. Yes it is much later like what you said. Much much later. And I'm still here waiting for you until i got the feeling that you won't come. Nevermind. I know you're having fun now.

I'm still here looking out my window. Looking at every taxi that pass by whether it will turn to my house or not.

I'm still expecting you to come even though my heart told me to just sleep. But i still here and no taxi turns to my house.

Remembered when you said you can't wait to see me again soon. You said it. And i believed it. Now it seems that those were empty words. Should i believe it anymore? Why should you make me hoping?

By the time i have nothing to hold on to in my life, you left me behind. I fell down and no one help me. You said you'll be here whatever will happen to us. but now...

Maybe i shall sleep. And i hope i won't wake up tomorrow. or won't wake up forever.

if i have to die tomorrow....

2004-11-16T18:08:00.000+08:00

if i have to die tomorrow, i won't regret for what i had done though a lot mistakes i made, it made me to what i am now. i won't hate those who hate me. cos life is too short for me to find enemy. i love all my friends, my family and my dog. although i know not all my friend likes me but i can't do anything about it. let them choose to hate me or to love me.

i won't regret a thing that happened in my life if i have to die tomorrow. it's all just a memory which is nice for me to think it back. it will bring me smile and tears to be enjoyed. cos i enjoy crying as well as smiling.

if i have to die tomorrow i won't feel diappointed cos of all the thing i couldn't do. let it be... maybe it is not what i supposed to do. maybe it's enough for me to do anything in my life.

but i will be sad if i have to die tomorrow. cos i don't have the chance to spend all my life time with someone whom i really love. never have the chance to say that i love him. never have the chance to look him in the eyes and say that i really need him in my life. maybe i will cry all day till tomorrow comes and take my soul away from my flesh. yet i will say my last word for him : "i love you"

i love you...

2004-10-25T23:58:00.000+08:00

I won't be sad if you find someone.
I will be very happy for you.
I promise.
I hope that someone loves you
more than i do.
I'll wish you happines
if you find somebody else
i really mean what i say now.
I hope that somebody
found that precious things in you
like what i found.
But if you caught me crying
don't ever feel sorry.
Just look away
and pretend you never see me crying.
I will not be sad.
I will just miss you
Cos i know i will never be able
to let you go.

girl...(II)

2004-10-16T05:07:00.000+08:00

If i didn't do it,
maybe mommy can hug you now.
Maybe you are sleeping beside me now.
Or maybe crying out loud.
If i didn't do it,
maybe mommy can kiss you now,
touch your cheek
or maybe looking at you
while you are sleeping.
Girl...
If mommy didn't do it,
mommy won't feel giulty like now.
Mommy won't feel lonely again.
I'm sorry, love.
mommy did it.
And you never even had a chance
to see this world.

girl...

2004-10-16T05:00:00.000+08:00

I'm sorry, girl.
Mommy can't hug you.
I'm really sorry, love.
Mommy can't kiss you.
Mommy want to hug and kiss you.
Really...
But mommy can't do that.
Don't ask mommy where your dad is.
Cos I don't know where he is.
Mommy also don't understand
why i did this thing.
Mommy really kove you, darling
but mommy can't have you.
Sorry...
that mommy have to kill you.

tears

2004-10-10T20:08:00.000+08:00

Tears coming out from my eyes.
It's been long time since the last time
and this happen again?
I thought i ran out of it
but now i feel it on my cheek
coming down to the ground
hit it very hard cos the flows.
I don't want to feel it
but i can't control.
My heart seems stop
i can't feel anything
except for my heart is torn.
Covering my face
preventing the tears to coming out again
but it still flow through the fingers.
Make it wet and pain.
and here i am....
infront of my monitor
alone again......

another night in my life...

2004-10-10T04:22:00.000+08:00

Another cigarette and another night
only cigarette and the internet
accompany me the whole night.
Another sleepless night
when the whole world sleeping
and i'm still here, smoking.
Light another cigarrete
breathe it through my lungs
and another words for my poem
my eyes still awake staring the world
and my brain still giving another word
keeps me awake this night.
I'm still awake
when the night fell into a deep sleep.
When the night turns darker and cold.

fucking bastard!

2004-10-07T11:46:00.000+08:00

Kelvin: can u add me tan_60@hotmail.com
if u wan to add me msn
kelvin_lee5678@hotmail.com
can we have sex

becareful of this user on friendster another despo with greedy fucking itchy cock!!!! his photo on friendster is the photo of him on the beach wearing white tshirt and black shorts.

to Kelvin if u manage to read my blog: GET YOUR FUCKING COCK OUT OF THIS WORLD!!!

i miss you

2004-10-06T03:41:00.000+08:00

you're the first thing in my head
attacks me whenever i wake up everyday.
the image of you kisses me good morning
hugs me and wakes my soul.
i miss you.
that's the word.
and i never feel this way all my life.
now i know why people said love is fantastic
cos it always make me smile
whenever i'm thinking about you.
imagining you every night hugs me to sleep,
imagining your voice through the late night wind,
saying that you will always be here with me
no matter what will happened.
the picture of you just popping out from my head.
i only see, hear and feel you
even when you are not around.
i love you
and i will always want to be next to you
no matter what will happen to us.

Migrain....

2004-10-04T05:13:00.008+08:00

Here i am back on my bed, turning side to side with a huge pain of migrain, became devastated about things. No life, no career, no companion. Keep mingling with the wrong people and all the bastard guys with fucking greedy selfish penis.

Here i am back on my bed again turning side to side still in pain, thinking how all things will turn out to be? No clue...No answer... Always get the unanswered questions popping around in my bloody head and only turn out as migrain.

Sick of what had happened and don't care about what will happened to me. Living in this unpredictable life is just like trying to get yourself out from maze with no turning back.

I'm sick of playing now. but when i think i want to be serious, everyone plays with you except my mom who turns out to be TOO serious.
why don't just all the bloody people support me of what i am doing with my life? why all the bloody people must turn out to be enemy of mine? why?
only GOD knows the answer ans it's for HIM to know, for me to find out. looks like a quiz heh...??? who will give me that bloody score? and as if i care....!!!!!!
I just want to get out from the bloody maze!

hangover....

2004-10-02T14:21:00.000+08:00

i got a huge pain on my stomach and a huge stone sitting on my chest. i can't breathe. too much smoking last night. all the joint in my body seems like binded with rubber. so stiff.

i went clubbing last night.... after so long now i can feel the feeling going clubbing again. the feeling was amazing! for a minute you can feel free. jump around here and there, drink!

I think i had enough of this night life. my body feels like too fragile to dance the whole night like last night. feel so tired now. it is not what i felt two and a half years ago when i went clubbing but then i can still did my presentation in front of the class.

but i realise. it wasn't wrong to went out last night. i really need something that makes me forget abt what is happening to me in the real life. i can't stand it anymore when my mom called me asking abt full time job which i never get since i graduated. i wrote to an agent to find me a full time job. when i was typing, i was totally confuse. i didn't know what job should i find and dunno how much my expected salary.

I think life is really hard. and people who is harder than life can go on. those who are weaker than life itself will end up commit suicide or crazy. and i still dunno which one i could be.

me myself and I

2004-09-28T01:56:00.000+08:00

Here I am, at almost 2am, complaining about myself. I can't sleep again. And this annoying thought of mine came back on my bloody brainless head. witnessed by laptop monitor that face directly to my face and eyes. this always come and go at the wrong timing.

I am a 22 year old single girl. single?? yah single. Sigh... No! i'm not going to nag about being single. No! i'm not gonna tell you how happy I am being single. I'm in dilemma. In the middle of those feeling.
I will tell myself," i'm so glad being a single!" whenever i'm with my other single friends having a good time together. But sometimes my brain will nag,"shit! i wish i can be like that." when i going out with my couple friend. other time i will say," lucky i'm not taken!" if a guy asked me out. but then my heart is aching whenever i'm awake at night. whenever my insomnia comes back. I wish somebody's holding me, kissing me gently and stoping me from crying and say to me," don't you worry. i will always be with you."

i'm very tired and occupied now. thinking about job, my future and this annoying thought just won't leave me alone sometimes.
often, i cried alone in the middle of the night. realising that i am a very different person during the day and during the night. i'm saying here... totally different.

I'm strong yet weak. happy but miserable. life is driving me insane. in the end, only brings me tears.

*sigh.....

2004-09-27T00:45:00.000+08:00

Just reached home. today is the last day of the production. started at 23rd september. i was the make-up artist for this chinese opera. FUN! i got to do a lot fun stuff and experiencing new things in make-up. i learnt a lot from this production. especially make-up, hair, and PEOPLE'S ATTITUDE!!

it's tiring but it's okay. i got paid. at least not so bad salary. but i have to face a lot of "ya ya" people. think that they are very good but....... dunno how to put themselves on the right place. always so ahow off but disturb people. always make people having a goosebump cos of their stupidity. *sigh..... how they're gonna survive.... i learnt a lot from there. i know what is wrong to do and what is right to do.

sometimes we have to be "kaypoh" about a thing on the right time and place or else people will think you're just plain lazy. even sometimes we have to sacrifice our need in order to do something. indirectly this tought me about life. it's always need something to be sacrified. here i sacrified my empty stomach to do the make-up on time. sometimes i could be very hungry, stopped doing the make up for a while to get some snack or run for smoke where there was even 3 mins break or we have to do the make up faster to get the break time. but that's our job. in order to get paid... poor thing huh..??? nevermind.

i'm tired these 4 days but i can't even sleep. AGAIN...... this is phatetic!! what am i supposed to do???!?!?!?!? can somebody help me????

ouch...

2004-09-20T18:29:00.000+08:00

i cooked today. basicaly nothing special for me cooking everyday. i cook everyday cos it's cheaper. I cooked soup today with luncheon meat, chicken sausage* though i know abt the bird flu thing. but who cares...* and chinese vegetable* i dunno what it calls but i like it so much. salty taste*

as i prepared all things, i open the luncheon meat can, i cut myself. the cut quite bad and it's quite painful. i cut my palm and my finger tip. but somehow i enjoy the pain. i'd rather have the pain on my hand than in my heart. Once the cut heals *on ur palm* that's it. It won't suddenly torn apart again. But in ur heart, it leaves a mark there and it's very fragile cos it will, someday, torn apart and bleed again.

i dun have the desire to live nowadays. so many things appears to block my way now. right now i'm stuck. in the middle of no where and no money. who can help? i have to help myself. no other ppl but me. and i hate it. we all know, the theory said human being need other ppl in their life. but somehow, we do things on our own. whether we can continue living this life is depend On urself.

i realise now, maybe i'm too depending on other ppl, my parents, friends, collegue and now i'm trying to stand up by my own feet to continue walking in this unknown world. *sigh... what a difficult task i'm doing now.

am I? am I not?

2004-09-20T02:05:00.000+08:00

i dreamt became a crazy girl. and the next day my friend said i was a bit crazy that day. i can feel i moving towards insanity.

sometimes i wonder..... it's good to be crazy. u just stay in the mental hospital, all the nurse, the doctor and everybody there, except the patient, take care of you. they feed you, they fullfil all your needs, from eating to shitting.

sometimes i can spend all day daydreaming to become crazy. no need to work, no stress and no other things that bother you. being insane you just sit, nothing to do, more daydreaming, and LAUGH!!! hauehauehauheuahuhauehaueeahuhuhueae*@&$($^@!!!!!......---> like that

actually, being insane has no sin. what is a sin to them. they don't understand that. they don't know what is sin and becos of that, they can do any sin. the more ppl knows what they can't do something,the more they will do it.

Again, i want to be insane. and i think my life's driving me there. and i love it. some things i can't bear. the more things you can't bear, the faster you can be crazy. life is tough and being crazy, makes life easier. think again.... it makes sense, doesn't it?